WAY TOO LONG

It has been WAY TOO LONG since my last post here. I've finally started to figure out a few things in my life. I know a couple of months ago, I was very set on Marine Biology, and Photography...but I think God has a different plan for me. It's something I have been guided to by my wonderful college counselor! I don't think I want to share with you all quite yet what it is...only because I am only just discovering it for myself. One thing to say would be...that I have never been able to actually see myself doing what is described in a degree description until this. So it's kinda funny how things work. I am currently taking the first introductory class to the major, and I am extremely interested in it. I have also been doing much better in this class within the first week, than I was doing in three years of Biology related classes. So that is exciting for me! I'm super pumped for what the next two years will bring...

As it is late, and I have a test in my other class tomorrow, I'm going to say goodnight. But I will return sooner than later...I promise!

Erin

Dare I Say It?!

This may have possibly been the best birthday I've ever had. And not just because we went to see Switchfoot the night after my birthday...it has just been an overall good week! I am finally starting to feel like the person I once was. I feel like I am finally back on the path I used to be on. And that is awesome in my mind. I'm sure that I will continue to have those days where it is an emotional struggle to resist the anger and yelling and depression, but I feel like I've learned to think before reacting in most situations. That is something I am really proud of even though it may seem small.

Now one of the highlights from this week was the Switchfoot concert! The venue we were at was much smaller than I expected! It was by far the most intimate concert I've ever been to. And it was just awesome! We were like three feet away from the stage! I'm posting some photos with this.

Besides the concert, this weekend is going to be filled with meals upon meals upon meals with both family and friends. It will be a lot of fun! I'm very blessed to have all of these people in my life!

Until next time...

These Times

Well, tonight's post is going to be themed. I turned my iPod on while on my way home from work tonight, and this song came on. I've heard it countless times, and know the words by heart. But I actually paid attention to the meaning behind the words this time, and I can't help but realize how much it relates to my life right now. Here is a link to the video and the lyrics:

"These Times"
By Safetysuit

These times will try hard to define me
And I’ll try to hold my head up high
But I’ve seen despair here from the inside
And it’s got a one track mind

And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don’t know what it is I’ll find
Does anybody ever feel like
You’re always one step behind

Now I’m sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will

And I know there’s someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I’d give anything just to work
It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out
Of all these things I can’t

And I am sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will

These times will try hard to define me
But I will hold my head up high

Sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass

And I know there’s a reason
I just keep hoping it won’t be long ’til I see it
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will pass

The whole song really helps me put to words how I've been feeling lately, especially when they talk about despair having a one track mind, and having a feeling without knowing what you'll find when you look within. I've really felt like that because of my self-reflections...I really don't know what I'll find, and it kind of scares me. But the last verse/refrain is where it really motivated me...it's time to just give in to the flow of life and see what develops.

Here's to not dwelling on the what if's and just making the decision and following through with it!

Negative People

Short post today...I just have had enough with all the negativity in my life. I've decided that I have too many negative people influencing my life. Mainly a couple of people who just always bring me down or just aren't around the way I need them to be. The thing about them is that I always need to be there or be supportive when they need it (or when they guilt me into it), but when it comes to me needing someone to talk to they either tell me I'm overreacting or that I'm wrong. I just need some better friends I think.

All for now, maybe I'll post more later.

Erin

Just some thoughts

So this really just hit me square in the face tonight and I needed to share it. I've decided that I don't know how to let people in anymore. I've completely shut down emotionally, and it scares me. I don't really know when it happened, or if I've always been this way, but it's something I need to work on if I don't want to end up alone forever. I think part of it goes back to when my mom died, my whole brain seemed to shut down and I haven't quite figured out how to turn parts of it back on. I just don't give anyone a chance to get to know me anymore. I can't even put into words what I feel like right now, I just know it isn't a good feeling. This all just came on because I was thinking about my friend's wedding this summer, and how there are very few from our group who are still single. I feel like I have a long way to go before I can even think of letting someone in. This is in no way a pity-party. I just have been doing a lot of soul searching this year trying to figure out who I am, and what I need to improve on. My attitude was the first thing I noticed. I used to be such a smiley, outgoing, overall happy person. I've noticed that, especially in the past couple of years, my attitude has become very sour and bitter towards people and life in general. Once I was conscious of that, I made the decision to change it. One of my coworkers actually came up to me last week and told me that she is very proud of the way I've turned it around, and that "this is the Erin I remember from when you were in high school!" To hear that my efforts are being noticed makes me happy. But this is only a small part of what I need to reshape about myself. Some of the other things I've noticed include improving my health, learning to let others in, learning how to stand up for myself and to express myself better, and cleaning out my house (I never had a chance to go through things when we moved). These are just a few of the things I can think of right now, but I'm sure the list will continue to grow!

Thats all for now...

Memories and Passions

Hello!
So I know I didn't post on Tuesday at all, but I'm going to say something now. Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of my mom's passing. It was definitely a hard day, as I'm sure it always will be. I took a "special holiday" (basically an extra vacation day) from work, and I was very much in the mood to clean. I started going through some of my things and came across a letter my mom had written to me when I was in eighth grade. I took a trip with my brother's and my aunt and uncle and two cousins to New York City shortly after 9/11 and she wrote me a goodnight note. I reread it when I found it, and it all rushed back. I didn't get as emotional as I have in the past, it was more of just remembering her.

One thing I've been striving for this year is gaining my independence and figuring out who I am. I have always tried to do what everyone else wanted me to do, or told me I could do. I never really sat back and figured out what I wanted to do. Well I did that a little bit this week. I'm not sure if it was just me finally realizing it, or if God was sending me a wake up call, but I recently started getting a lot of offers to do photography for people. And I know that I mentioned in earlier posts about pursuing photography as a career. Well, I've applied to three different photography studios and I'm really hoping one of them calls. I am so ready to move forward, and a new job in an area that interests me so much would be the best first step I could take! One of them even has a tuition reimbursement program, so I could get the MATC photography program paid for me! Well yesterday I was watching a documentary and I've decided that I'd really love to go into photojournalism. I want to travel and take pictures that matter, or can change the way someone thinks about something. What better than a photojournalism career?! So, I think I'm finally finding my passion again. It's been so long since I've had it, I'm terrified of it! But its always the things that scare us the most that are the most worth while, right?

I'll keep you updated on this newest development!
Until the next time!

Opportunities Falling in the Lap

So I know I already posted something today, and the fact that I'm doing a double post is quite impressive to myself. I just needed to make a small post on this. Today I went to visit my grandpa in the hospital, he had a heart episode, but thankfully they figured it out and are putting a defibrillator/pacemaker in tomorrow. Well, while I was there I ran into two of my aunts and their families. I had already talked with one of my cousins about doing her senior pictures for next year, and so my aunt just came out and asked me if I would be interested in doing a friend of her's wedding photos! I am absolutely terrified to say yes, I haven't even started doing any kind of events...although I will be doing my first fundraiser event in less than two weeks. So I asked a friend of the family if he had any advice for me, and he said you just need to jump in and do it! He told me that he remembers being terrified the first time he did a wedding, and that as he kept doing more, he kept getting better. So that helped me a little. He also offered to get together with me to look through some of the things he has done to give me some ideas. I'm really starting to consider this as a career path. I know I wouldn't want to do events forever, but I would love to do something in the field whether it was portrait, or landscape photography. I'm going to seriously look into the Art Studio program at UWM now.

Alright, that is all the excitement for today...I'll definitely be back to post soon!

Up at 6am with nothing to do...

So I've been tossing and turning in my bed for about an hour, and I can't seem to get back to sleep...so here I am to put some "thoughts to paper". First off, I'm getting a little stir crazy here, I haven't taken a trip in almost a year! Between last year and the year before, I had the opportunity to travel quite a bit. I went to Arizona, South Carolina, North Carolina, Upper Michigan, Lower Michigan, South Dakota, California, and of course all over Wisconsin and Minnesota for all of the weddings that went on last summer. It's weird that it has been almost a year since I've done any new traveling. I'm getting a little antsy. So with that being said, I might be going to Texas to visit a friend for her spring break! I really hope it can happen...prices are a little high, so we'll see if it's possible!

Secondly, I'm in desperate need for a new job. I've put my application in for four different positions, and I will be adding another one tomorrow. I just need a new environment. I've already applied at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for three different clerical positions. I also applied at FedEx (GASP! both my brothers work for UPS). Tomorrow I hope to apply for an assistant manager position at a new ALDI's being built near my house. If I could get that, that would be awesome. I'd almost double my pay now, and be working full time.

Also, I know I've mentioned before that I want to try to branch into doing some photography work, well I'm going to try to find a job somewhere related to it...and if I can't do that I'm going to start networking with my family and friends to see if anyone wants to have me take some decent pics instead of going to a studio first. I know quite a bit of people who are pregnant now, so maybe they'll want to do some maternity pictures with me. We shall see how that goes! If anything develops there, I'll update my blog then.

Other than that, I guess there really isn't anything new. I'm just working a lot and trying to figure it all out.  Hopefully I'll have something to share soon!

When It All Starts to Click...

So as I have hinted at in previous posts, I've decided to really dedicate this year to my own self-improvement. I have started to just barely exist in my own life, and that is no way to live. In order for me to become more active in my life I really needed to take a hard look at what was going on inside. I was kinda afraid of what I would find, but I'm really glad I did it.

First off, I have a real big self esteem problem. I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right, I was always criticized or yelled at by my father. I was never able to really express myself very well, and when I did I was always shut down. I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't be interested in certain things because they wouldn't take me anywhere in life. So I let some of the things I felt most passionate about fade until I couldn't feel it anymore. I've let some dreams die way too early because of this insecurity. I always have a little voice inside me telling me "you'll never make it doing that" or "there's no way you could ever handle that kind of life". I have his criticism permanently in my mind telling me I'll never be good enough. I think that if I can learn to block that voice out...anything could be possible! But what if I can't? I would have a sad excuse for a life if I never learn that.

Secondly, I am still grieving. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and it is always a different experience for each individual on their own. On March 6, it will be 6 years since my mom died. There really is no words for me to describe what it felt like to loose her. She was my biggest cheerleader, and honestly, the only cheerleader that really mattered in my life. I love my brothers and how they encourage me to do what I want, and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents encourage me. Even with all of them together, their approval and encouragement isn't even half of what my mom's meant. To not have that constant encouragement every day is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, no potential and no promise. I would have turned to her with these situations and talked it out and listened to what she had to think about it all. Sometimes we would stay up for hours talking at night. I think the void seems so big because I hadn't really noticed how much negative she counteracted from my dad when she was alive. And now it seems like all there is is negative. This goes back to my first point...with all of her positive reinforcement gone, all I have is his criticism. I wish I could pick out specific memories from our talks to remind myself and encourage myself with her words, but I can't. I just remember that we had them.

The third thing is something I've only realized yesterday. Even though I can't always see it or understand it, I am talented at photography. I'm only a beginner still and have lots to learn, but I really do take some great photos. I've taken three classes, and I loved every bit of them. I didn't really retain a lot of the technical information, but I know the general rules. I know if I just looked back at my notes, or read a beginner's book I'd understand it again. I've decided that I need to put a portfolio together and start doing some beginner jobs. I know one of my cousins had mentioned last year that she wanted me to take her senior pictures, and I offered to photograph a friend with his family if they ever want some good pictures without paying professional rates. One of the thoughts that hit me hard with this realization, is that my mom would never know my talents. She knew me, and loved me, and maybe she saw them before I even knew about them...but she will never get to see them developed.

About a month ago, I submitted three of my pictures that I had edited to a poster competition for the NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign. I had kind of forgotten about it, and wasn't expecting the email that I received yesterday saying that my design won in my category! I was really shocked. I don't know how many submissions there were, so I'm not sure what the odds were for me winning. It was a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in years. Almost like I've forgotten the reward of that feeling, and how much it boosts self esteem. One of my coworkers told me she knew I would do something awesome with my talent, and that's when I realized that I should really start to consider this as a career path. I know the photography profession has changed drastically since digital was introduced, but I am seriously considering photojournalism or something along those lines as a major. I am also going to look into graphic design as an option. I loved doing the editing on my images. It didn't even feel like I was doing work, it was more like I was performing an experiment on them. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just doing it. Here is my image that won...it's kind of a self portrait I guess.

So far this year, I've made some really smart decisions. The best thing I could have ever done for myself was taking this semester off. I've never felt more sure of a decision. It has opened up this opportunity for me to look within and really figure out who I am. Once I know that, I'm sure life won't seem so scary to me anymore.

Sorry for the long post, just had a lot to get out tonight!

Erin

Resolution Updates...

Okay, so clearly my goal for posting at least once a week failed. But I think less than a month is pretty good for my track record. I'm still unhappily working at Walgreen's right now, and today was almost the day I walked out. Today was a terrible day. I just don't understand why people think that it is okay to just step all over someone and treat them like garbage. I know that I'm the bottom of the chain in this company, I understand that no one in the company is indispensable. But I know that in my store, I do so much more then is even recognized. I know I have my days when I don't do much, but usually that is not the case. That is only one of the reasons today sucked. On to tomorrow, at least I have an early shift so I can actually accomplish something else in my day. My plan for tomorrow is to start my search for a new job. Wish me luck on that!

I'm hoping to get started on my other resolutions coming up in this next month. I have already started going through my things to start thinning it all out. I went through my clothes and have compiled three full bags of clothing and one bag of purses and shoes to sell. So I'd say I did pretty good. I still have way too much clothes, but I'll have to do another run through it in March or April. I have to finish going through my room hopefully in the next two weeks. I want to try to sell a bunch of my books and movies on Amazon or maybe I can donate them to a library if that doesn't work. I should really try to get rid of a bunch of my cd's too. I need to go through all of my boxes from college, I saved practically everything when I was in MN. I have all of my binders and notebooks still. I might keep a couple, but I should really just recycle the rest. My aunt is planning to have a rummage sale in May sometime, so I'm hoping she'll let me put most of my stuff in. She has in the past, the only concern I'd have is that I'll have a lot more this time around than I usually do. Anything that doesn't sell I'm either donating or throwing away.

So today was pretty crappy, but it ended well. I got home and ate dinner, then I went for a walk with my roommate Laurel. Which not so surprisingly lifted my spirits quite a bit. I think it was just the fact that I got outside and got to enjoy some exercise and fresh air. It was nice, then we came back and ended it all with some Big Bang Theory...a pretty good finish to a crappy day. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoother at work, and I get some leads or at least apply for a new job. That will be my goal for tomorrow... put at least one application in somewhere. I'll keep you posted on it all!

Erin

New Year, New Me

So I know that it is kind of a cliche to set New Year's resolutions, but I've never actually been serious about setting one until now. I am very unhappy with my life right now, so I've decided to do something about it. Instead of focusing my energy on school like I have for the last three and a half years (five and a half if I'm being truly honest), I will be focusing on myself. I need to start taking control of my own life and destination. I do believe that there is a rhyme and reason to everything, and that God already knows where my life will lead and all of that. But I just need to start doing what I want without taking everyone else's opinions into consideration. Don't get me wrong, I love advice when I ask for it...but when I just state an idea and then someone shoots it down with reason or excuses, I usually do what they say. And I don't want to do that anymore.

Here's how I see it. I am 23 years old, still two years away from graduating no matter what path I go down, and burnt out. It's almost sad to say that. I feel so old and burdened by life...at 23?! There is something seriously wrong with that. I understand that to have a job that can support me in life I will need to finish school and get a degree. Don't get me wrong, I know that. I'm not completely idiotic. But why do I need to finish it now? I have no commitments right now...no boyfriend, no children, no real need for a real job. I have every opportunity at my fingertips! In fact, I have been considering applying for an Americorps program and getting out of WI for a while. Moving to a new state and experiencing a new type of life would be beneficial to me. I really believe that. And this would be the year to do it! I have been looking into two areas: Seattle, Washington and Dallas, Texas. These are two completely different areas from the midwest. I just want to experience a bit of independence. I know for a fact that I can not spend the next year working full time at Walgreens. I just can't take that job anymore. I need a change.

Also, I did really good with my diet at the beginning of last year, and then I stopped because I no longer had the motivation to keep it up. Well this year I want to do better. I want to start up my diet again AND maintain it/see it through to the end of my weight loss goal. In addition to that, I want to either join a gym or find a work out dvd that can help me. I know a couple of people who have done the Insanity program and found it successful...and I know a couple of people who swear by the P90X program. I just want to find one that I can do and feel confident in doing. I know that if I want to see results in anything in life, I need to work hard and set goals and have my own expectations out of life.

Another thing I want to sit down and figure out....What do I expect from my life right now? I mentioned earlier that I wanted to have more independence. This is very important to me, because I know what to do, I just feel extremely limited to how I can do it. I need to sit down and figure out what my expectations are. When I do, I promise I will write a post about them.

One last resolution, I want to keep up with posts here. Whether it is once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I keep writing. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions, and I don't always let them out....I have found that this is an excellent way of getting them out and in the open. And if I decide to act on them, then great. If not, then at least I got them out of my system, and can remember what I felt when I was feeling them.

Today's K-LOVE encouraging word of the day is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." This is kind of the perfect passage to describe what I am feeling right now. I need to relearn to put my life in God's hands. I do believe my decision for this year is a good one that God has led me to make it. May God bless everyone as they start off this new year!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let's make 2012 great!
Erin

Here I am again...

Well, I know in earlier posts I warned you that I just can't keep up with things like this very well...so I apologize again for the two month silence. I just have had a lot going on with me lately. I found out that I was no longer eligible for financial aid this semester, so I need to find a way to pay off my classes before I can move forward with school. So I tried applying for a student loan through Chase, and guess what? Yep, I was denied the loan. So I either have to ask my dad to cosign with me (which he said he needs to think about) or I can't pay it off before next semester. Also, I received an e-mail from my advisor strongly advising me to pick a new major outside of the sciences because it seems like I struggle the most with the core classes required in that field. Well, I've only ever truly wanted to do one thing, and that was Marine Biology. I tried the teaching route, and I don't really think I have the patience for that. With that being said, what am I supposed to do? I've always tested better in the science and math areas, so why can't I get through the classes? I have a couple of ideas, but I'm really not sure what I should do. I was thinking of transferring to MATC or WCTC and just getting my associates degree in either the Lab Tech or Surgical Tech areas. All of the prereqs would be done, so all I would need is the program classes which wouldn't take too long to complete. A couple of people I know have told me I should go to culinary school, because I love to cook. But would I love to cook as a career? I honestly don't know. So I was thinking of just completing the associate degree first to get a better foothold on independence away from my dad, and then I can always go back and finish my bachelor's when I better know what I want to do. I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, and I'll probably go talk with the career center advisor at UWM sometime. And since it seems like I'm pretty much going to be forced to take this next semester off, I'll have some time to figure it out I guess.

I need to figure it out fast, because I really need a new job. Let me just say, I do not have the patience to deal with retail much longer! People are just becoming more and more rude lately, and I definitely do not get paid enough to get yelled at by customers about something we have no control over at the store. I know it will get much worse within the next few weeks too, because of the holidays. But until I have a better opportunity, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!

Basically, I have some pretty big decisions to make within the next month, so I'll keep you posted on what I decide!

Erin

Whatever You're Doing

So have you ever had one of those moments where everything just comes together and it seems so clear to you? I had one of these moments today. It's funny how easy it is to forget something that you've been so sure of most of your life. Well, today I relearned something that I can't believe I forgot! In order to understand this fully, I'll have to tell you some background. I have been struggling with my faith for a long time now, and I keep trying to figure out what I need to do to get a hold of it again. I have been living in fear. Fear that I've rejected God, fear that I've let Satan into my life, fear that I'm never going to be good enough. I've just been giving in to my sinful self a little too much lately. Well, today it all hit me at one moment, I don't need to do anything except allow God to work in my life. And Satan can't enter my life with God standing next to me. I had forgotten that. The thing that caused this revelation came in the form of a song. I was listening to the Christian radio station here both on the way to and on the way home from work. This morning, Switchfoot's "Your Love Is A Song" came on and being one of my favorite bands, their music almost always speaks to me and inspires me. But it really hit me when I was driving home after 6 straight days of working (and I was really crabby)...when Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing" came on. I absolutely love this song, and it is going to be my new motivation song. It's an older song, and I've listened to it over 100 times, it's funny how something familiar can affect you so strongly. It really hit me hard because I feel like I've been stuck in this one part of my life, refusing to move on. I want to, but I'm scared to. This song talks about healing and moving on, finding a new beginning and figuring out who you are. But I can't even begin to know how to do that without God's guidance. He alone knows what is in store for my life, and I need to start trusting him again. I have a lot of trust issues. Especially with trusting in God's plan. He clearly wanted my mom to be with him, but I just couldn't seem to see how I could go on with my life without needing her. I've been so afraid that moving on meant that I would forget her. I know that seems silly since I still have most of my life's worth of memories with her, but I've already started forgetting things about her. I can't hear her voice anymore, and I can't picture her face without looking at a photo. I've spent so much time defining who I am because of her, and this song is saying it's time to move on and figure out who I am on my own.

So I think God has led me to another personal discovery. I've been trying to focus on my faith a lot lately and I have been doing a lot of personal reflection. I believe God works in mysterious ways, he is always sending messages and answering prayers, we just need to keep our eyes and ears open for them!

Here are the lyrics to both songs...

Switchfoot-Your Love Is A Song

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

The dawn is fire bright
Against the city lights
The clouds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out, is blacking out

So I've been keeping my mind wide open
I've been keeping my mind wide open, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me

Oh, your love is a song
Your love is a song
Oh, your love is a song
Your love is strong

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Yeah, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh, your love is a song

Sanctus Real-Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly*

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out



That's all I have for today. I'll try to get something up a little bit quicker this next time! It might be difficult since I'm starting classes this next week, but I'm gonna try to start posting on a regular basis!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Leave it to God

So as I've mentioned in an earlier post, I've decided to start refocusing my faith and getting back to having Christ as my center. Well, I've recently decided that I don't really give my problems or situations to God. I just go about it the way I think I should. Now, how exactly do you give yourself to God? I've struggled with this, because I've said prayers, and I've read devotionals...but what is it really that you need to do? How do you "Leave it to God"? I guess this is how I always used to interpret it: you can say prayers and ask God to do what you want to happen. OR you can pray and let the situation be and if it was "meant to be" it was "meant to be". But now I'm not so sure. God gave us free will. So we are able to make our own decisions about things. With that being said, I now believe that if we ask God to guide us toward the right decision, that can also be considered "leaving it to God". I just have so many "up-in-the-air" situations that I don't know what to do! Where do I go to school? What major should I choose? Am I ready for a emotional relationship? Am I ready for change? There is so much that I am unsure of...how do I leave it to God?!

I hate to make titles, cause I never know what to put... :)

I have a few things on my mind today, and I need to let it out!

First, CLEARANCE SALES! I love to browse clearance racks...and this is the best time to do it since all of the summer clothes and products are getting marked down to blow-out prices! I went to both Target and Kohl's today and there are some awesome deals going on! My only issue is that I have no money for this right now, so I suppose I'll have to wait another week. Hopefully there will still be some great deals then!

Secondly, I have a boy issue. Haha...well, more like I have the issue. I have a big crush on this guy who is a vendor at my work, but I never know what to say when he comes in! It's always the same routine, "Hi, how're you doing?" "Hey, I'm doing good. How about you?" "I'm good." We both go about our business, and then it always ends with "Have a nice day!" "Thanks, you too." I, for the life of me, cannot seem to get past the polite hello's! I get so nervous, and almost run away from him when he comes in. Well, I had off of work today (the first Tuesday in a long time) and that's when he usually comes in. So a couple of my friends told me I should just stop by and maybe with me not on the clock we'd chat a little bit more. So I do this, I dress nicely and make sure my hair isn't a frizz ball like usual, and go to work. With my luck, it isn't him today! It was someone else who came in and did his usual job...now I have to wait until next week to see if this change is permanent or not. I hope not, because I was just starting to talk to him! Also, I need help figuring out how to move the conversation past the hello/goodbyes.

I guess those are the two major things for today. It was kinda a superficial post today. But hopefully I can report back soon on more of my thoughts....

Talk to you soon! :)

Who am I?

So this is something I've been struggling with a lot these past couple of years. I feel like I've lost the person I want to be. And I have decided that by this time next year, I will better know who I am and what I want out of life. I wish I could just know now, but I know that this kind of discovery isn't instantaneous. I thought I knew what I wanted out of my life. That was to become a Marine Biologist, travel the world, and marry someone who loves God as much as I do. Most of this is still true, I would love to be a Marine Conservationist (or something to that accord). I would love to travel all over the world and soak in the histories and stories from all the big cities. I would also love to find a man who will love me and cherish me for who I am. But how can I do all of that if I don't know who I am myself? So I've decided to do this journey and I hope to document all the major discoveries here. Here's my plan:

First, I want to reaffirm my faith and get back to where I once was. I've fallen quite a bit in the last couple of years, and I don't want to anymore. I need to get back into my daily worship. So I bought a devotional book about this. I think this should be my first step, because how can I love myself (or anyone else) if I don't understand or appreciate God's love for me? So that's number one.

Second, I need to know what I am looking for out of my life from my own perspective. I need to know who I am, and what I want. This is just something I will need to ponder and discover without a book. I need to pray to the Lord and wait for his answers.

Last, I need to know what I want out of a relationship before I can even think of having one. I feel like I'm ready for one, but I'm not going to force anything. I need to understand what I will bring to it and what I want the other person to bring to it. And I know that I need to trust God's plan, and that he will provide it when it is meant to come. I've started reading a book that is supposed to counsel a person through all of this. I've read the first chapter so far, and I'm hooked. It is written from a Christian perspective which is good.

I know that books won't solve everything, but maybe it'll help me decide and understand what I need and what I want from life. So in a year, I hope to be in a much better place spiritually and emotionally.

Until next time!

Great Family Week...

So I know I've been away for a while, and that just goes to show how fast time flies these days! Also, it goes to show how bad I am at maintaining something like this. Well, I'm here to report on my fabulous holiday weekend/week. Last Friday we drove up to Houghton-Hancock, MI. It is almost to the tip of the Upper Peninsula. My grandparents both grew up there and we still have a lot of family in that area. The purpose for this visit was our family reunion, which was on Saturday (the 2nd). A lot of the families couldn't make it, so it was very short and consisted mostly of the "Bob" family. That would be my grandpa's family including his kids, and grandkids. That was alright, we got to play a bunch of games with the cousins and had fun by the water. My dad kept joking that we drove 6 hours north to see the people who live within 30 minutes of us at home.

Sunday came around and we had a great cookout at my dad's cousin, Kelly's house. They live right on Portage Lake, it is so beautiful there! I love going to Kelly and Slim's (that's her husband's nick name). They are such fun people and have all these cool things to do. They had a huge tube that floats in the water that they call "Party Island", all of the "little" girl cousins were on that right away! I call them the "little" girl cousins because the oldest out of those seven is still six years younger than me. So they will always be the little girls to me! :) Slim cooked some of the best meat ever! He made these delicious ribs and he cooked chicken over a fire pit (if any of you have ever had slow cooked chicken over a fire, you know how great that is!!!!) There were three different desserts, so good. And Slim makes his own bread, so he made french bread with this really good garlic herb dipping oil (also homemade!!!). Best food I've had in a very long time! We ended up having a little hand golf tourney, not sure who won that one, but we had three different games going at once! Later when it got darker, we had a fire going and roasted s'mores with all of the cousins, and watched their neighbor's firework show...which were illegal...which is also funny since Slim is the sheriff. After the firework show and most of the cousins had gone, my siblings and I sat out with our second cousin Katelyn and watched the stars for a good hour. It was an overall great day!

Monday, we decided to take a little road trip up to Copper Harbor. We had four cars caravanning on this drive! My dad, stepmom, and brother Daniel, and I in one car; David and Christina in another; and both of my dad's sisters with their families between the remaining two. It was crazy! Also it was the fourth so there were little parades in every little town we passed. Copper Harbor is at the tip of the peninsula right by Lake Superior, it's a cool little town. The drive has some awesome views, breathtaking in most areas. We stopped in some of the towns along the way...we walked on the sandstone beach and looked across the lake, and stopped at a very pretty waterfall where we all took our "Christmas Card" pictures. It was cool. After the drive we went to the farm my grandma grew up on...her older brother still lives there. He used to grow strawberries and when we were younger we got to help pick them a few times. He hasn't grown berries for a while, but he has all the land and a beautiful pond on it with a building he calls "The Abby". It's this little one room building right by the pond. It's gorgeous there! We hung out there for a cookout, and then listened to some good music by my cousin Rachel. She is an amazing musician. She can just pick up an instrument and play it. We stayed through the fireworks. It wasn't from Chassell, but it was from a town a couple miles down. It was pretty cool, we just stood in the drive way and watched them over the hill. It was near perfect.

Tuesday, my brothers needed to leave because they had to go back to work. But my sister-in-law stayed with me until Thursday and my dad and stepmom are staying until Sunday. Well we did a lot of things these last two days, we went shopping with my stepmom and my grandma, we took a boat ride with Kelly and Slim (and saw three Bald Eagles!), and ate some more good food! But Thursday came so fast and the fun was wrapping up.  Christina and I drove to Oshkosh for a festival called Lifest. It is very similar to Summerfest with two exceptions. It is MUCH smaller and it is Christian music! It was pretty awesome, we got there to hear JJ Heller, FFH, Matthew West, and the headliner for the night was MercyMe! It was such a good night. I wish it were closer to home! After the concerts, we got back in the car and drove the rest of the way home, getting back around 12:30am...so it has been a long week, but a good one!


This upcoming weekend will be a busy one as well. One of my best friends is getting married! It is sure to be an awesome weekend! I'll be sure to report back on that one! I promise!

When did this happen?!

So I was out to dinner today with a good friend and I started to realize how emotionally dependent I've become. When did I start being this way? Have I always been this way? I honestly don't know. I feel like I am permanently in this place of time. I don't feel I've moved forward. Actually, I feel like I've moved backwards. I don't know when I became so needy. I'd like to think that I am independent, and on my own, but the fact is...I am completely dependent upon other people. Whether it is financially or personally. I don't really make my own decisions anymore, and I definitely don't do what I want anymore. Granted, if I really DON'T want to do something, I won't. But I'll go along with what others want because it is easier than making my own decision about it. I think I need to work on this a little. When did I start caring so much about what others think of me? I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't care. Now I find myself changing myself to be what everyone else wants me to be. So who am I really?! I don't know. Maybe this is something I can figure out through this self reflection of a blog. I don't really have anything else on my mind. I just wanted to throw that out there. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!

Hello!

Alright, so here goes...

One of my good friends blogs and has encouraged me to start my own in hopes of it helping me to vent and get things out of my system. So here we go!

Lately I've been having a really hard time with my life. I haven't been able to find a balance between school and work. And I've particularly had a hard time finding my motivation to continue school. All of my friends are graduating and moving on to the next step in their lives and I feel very discouraged because I still have at least two years left. I know everyone moves at their own pace and God has a plan for me, but I've been having a very hard time accepting this. I am so ready to get a job that I love and move away from home (and away from any place that is familiar). I want to explore and have adventure. I don't want to feel rooted down to any particular place at this point in my life. I mainly feel very trapped in my mundane routine these days. I can't afford to work less, and I'm not qualified to get a higher paying job. This is my dilemma currently. If I could find a job that would pay me a couple bucks more, I could afford to work less and focus more on my schooling. I am not the type of person who can do both. I've been trying for three and a half years, it just doesn't work for me. It's to the point where my education is being threatened by my job. If I can't focus and get the grades that I need, I can kiss my dreams good-bye. I know this isn't a good attitude to have, but it's the truth. I basically have one more chance to make my dream happen.

My mom at her brother's wedding.

On top of that, I don't really have the best support system. My family has been struggling to hold itself together for the past five and a half years. My mother passed away then, and it has put a whole new stress on me and my family. My mom was the only one who I felt truly supported me and my choices. And to lose that is devastating to me. She made me feel like I could fly if I wanted to. She always pushed me to do better and to be better than I was. I think that is the main reason I haven't been able to move forward. I feel left behind. My oldest brother got married; my dad has even remarried. I feel very small and unaccomplished. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I'm glad that they are able to continue with their lives. I know that I have their love and I'm not looking for any pity. It's really hard for me to fully express what I'm feeling, I don't know how to describe it. I just feel purposeless, and slightly empty. I was talked out of the one thing I've really wanted in the past five years. I really wanted to move to South Carolina and go to school there. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I'm still not sure I made the right one to stay. I allowed myself to be convinced that the school was too expensive and that there wouldn't be any way I'd be able to accomplish it. I failed myself by not trying. I had a game plan laid out and everything. I wanted to move down there and work for a year, to gain residence in South Carolina. With that, school would be much cheaper. But I was told that I wouldn't be capable of paying for the cost of living on what I was paid. Which may be true, but if I wasn't going to school for a year, I was completely willing to work two jobs to pay for it. But I decided to stay home, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to do it. I think this will always be one of my biggest regrets. I remember asking my mom if I could move to Alaska for school, she told me to do it. Without any hesitation she encouraged me to reach for what I wanted. She never wanted me to settle, so for this, I've failed her too. Because I have settled. I have started doubting everything I've ever wanted for my life. Instead of trying harder to get the grades I need to move on in this field, I have started to consider alternative options. Options I've never wanted to consider because it's not what I want. It's never been what I wanted. I have a lot of thinking to do, and maybe that is my problem. Maybe I need to 'think' less and do more. Only God knows what my life holds for me. I just need to have the patience to wait and see what it is. It's so hard waiting though. Now I am two years older and have accomplished nothing. I manage to make it by with working and putting a smile on for everyone else. But if people really knew me, they'd know that that smile was forced most of the time. I don't think anyone should feel like they need to force a smile to make it by in life. I need to heal myself before I can even think of what my next step is.
That's all I have for now, I've been writing for about an hour and a half now, and I think that should be enough for today. Tomorrow is another day with the same story. I think I'll end my post with a poem that I wrote a couple of months ago...

Never Enough
It is so hard to fake this smile
When you're yelling at me like that
It's my only hope that in a while
This argument will fall flat

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be able to be like that.

Your expectations are impossible
No one could ever be
There's no way it's even possible
So just let me be

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be who you want me to be.

Can't you see it's hurting me
To be trapped in this life?
Can't you see I'm trying to be
Strong enough to strive?

It's not the way it's meant to be,
You need to let me go
It's always hard when you can't see,
That it's time to let me go!

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be enough...