Hello!

Alright, so here goes...

One of my good friends blogs and has encouraged me to start my own in hopes of it helping me to vent and get things out of my system. So here we go!

Lately I've been having a really hard time with my life. I haven't been able to find a balance between school and work. And I've particularly had a hard time finding my motivation to continue school. All of my friends are graduating and moving on to the next step in their lives and I feel very discouraged because I still have at least two years left. I know everyone moves at their own pace and God has a plan for me, but I've been having a very hard time accepting this. I am so ready to get a job that I love and move away from home (and away from any place that is familiar). I want to explore and have adventure. I don't want to feel rooted down to any particular place at this point in my life. I mainly feel very trapped in my mundane routine these days. I can't afford to work less, and I'm not qualified to get a higher paying job. This is my dilemma currently. If I could find a job that would pay me a couple bucks more, I could afford to work less and focus more on my schooling. I am not the type of person who can do both. I've been trying for three and a half years, it just doesn't work for me. It's to the point where my education is being threatened by my job. If I can't focus and get the grades that I need, I can kiss my dreams good-bye. I know this isn't a good attitude to have, but it's the truth. I basically have one more chance to make my dream happen.

My mom at her brother's wedding.

On top of that, I don't really have the best support system. My family has been struggling to hold itself together for the past five and a half years. My mother passed away then, and it has put a whole new stress on me and my family. My mom was the only one who I felt truly supported me and my choices. And to lose that is devastating to me. She made me feel like I could fly if I wanted to. She always pushed me to do better and to be better than I was. I think that is the main reason I haven't been able to move forward. I feel left behind. My oldest brother got married; my dad has even remarried. I feel very small and unaccomplished. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I'm glad that they are able to continue with their lives. I know that I have their love and I'm not looking for any pity. It's really hard for me to fully express what I'm feeling, I don't know how to describe it. I just feel purposeless, and slightly empty. I was talked out of the one thing I've really wanted in the past five years. I really wanted to move to South Carolina and go to school there. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I'm still not sure I made the right one to stay. I allowed myself to be convinced that the school was too expensive and that there wouldn't be any way I'd be able to accomplish it. I failed myself by not trying. I had a game plan laid out and everything. I wanted to move down there and work for a year, to gain residence in South Carolina. With that, school would be much cheaper. But I was told that I wouldn't be capable of paying for the cost of living on what I was paid. Which may be true, but if I wasn't going to school for a year, I was completely willing to work two jobs to pay for it. But I decided to stay home, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to do it. I think this will always be one of my biggest regrets. I remember asking my mom if I could move to Alaska for school, she told me to do it. Without any hesitation she encouraged me to reach for what I wanted. She never wanted me to settle, so for this, I've failed her too. Because I have settled. I have started doubting everything I've ever wanted for my life. Instead of trying harder to get the grades I need to move on in this field, I have started to consider alternative options. Options I've never wanted to consider because it's not what I want. It's never been what I wanted. I have a lot of thinking to do, and maybe that is my problem. Maybe I need to 'think' less and do more. Only God knows what my life holds for me. I just need to have the patience to wait and see what it is. It's so hard waiting though. Now I am two years older and have accomplished nothing. I manage to make it by with working and putting a smile on for everyone else. But if people really knew me, they'd know that that smile was forced most of the time. I don't think anyone should feel like they need to force a smile to make it by in life. I need to heal myself before I can even think of what my next step is.
That's all I have for now, I've been writing for about an hour and a half now, and I think that should be enough for today. Tomorrow is another day with the same story. I think I'll end my post with a poem that I wrote a couple of months ago...

Never Enough
It is so hard to fake this smile
When you're yelling at me like that
It's my only hope that in a while
This argument will fall flat

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be able to be like that.

Your expectations are impossible
No one could ever be
There's no way it's even possible
So just let me be

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be who you want me to be.

Can't you see it's hurting me
To be trapped in this life?
Can't you see I'm trying to be
Strong enough to strive?

It's not the way it's meant to be,
You need to let me go
It's always hard when you can't see,
That it's time to let me go!

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be enough...