Just some thoughts

So this really just hit me square in the face tonight and I needed to share it. I've decided that I don't know how to let people in anymore. I've completely shut down emotionally, and it scares me. I don't really know when it happened, or if I've always been this way, but it's something I need to work on if I don't want to end up alone forever. I think part of it goes back to when my mom died, my whole brain seemed to shut down and I haven't quite figured out how to turn parts of it back on. I just don't give anyone a chance to get to know me anymore. I can't even put into words what I feel like right now, I just know it isn't a good feeling. This all just came on because I was thinking about my friend's wedding this summer, and how there are very few from our group who are still single. I feel like I have a long way to go before I can even think of letting someone in. This is in no way a pity-party. I just have been doing a lot of soul searching this year trying to figure out who I am, and what I need to improve on. My attitude was the first thing I noticed. I used to be such a smiley, outgoing, overall happy person. I've noticed that, especially in the past couple of years, my attitude has become very sour and bitter towards people and life in general. Once I was conscious of that, I made the decision to change it. One of my coworkers actually came up to me last week and told me that she is very proud of the way I've turned it around, and that "this is the Erin I remember from when you were in high school!" To hear that my efforts are being noticed makes me happy. But this is only a small part of what I need to reshape about myself. Some of the other things I've noticed include improving my health, learning to let others in, learning how to stand up for myself and to express myself better, and cleaning out my house (I never had a chance to go through things when we moved). These are just a few of the things I can think of right now, but I'm sure the list will continue to grow!

Thats all for now...