First off, I have a real big self esteem problem. I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right, I was always criticized or yelled at by my father. I was never able to really express myself very well, and when I did I was always shut down. I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't be interested in certain things because they wouldn't take me anywhere in life. So I let some of the things I felt most passionate about fade until I couldn't feel it anymore. I've let some dreams die way too early because of this insecurity. I always have a little voice inside me telling me "you'll never make it doing that" or "there's no way you could ever handle that kind of life". I have his criticism permanently in my mind telling me I'll never be good enough. I think that if I can learn to block that voice out...anything could be possible! But what if I can't? I would have a sad excuse for a life if I never learn that.
Secondly, I am still grieving. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and it is always a different experience for each individual on their own. On March 6, it will be 6 years since my mom died. There really is no words for me to describe what it felt like to loose her. She was my biggest cheerleader, and honestly, the only cheerleader that really mattered in my life. I love my brothers and how they encourage me to do what I want, and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents encourage me. Even with all of them together, their approval and encouragement isn't even half of what my mom's meant. To not have that constant encouragement every day is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, no potential and no promise. I would have turned to her with these situations and talked it out and listened to what she had to think about it all. Sometimes we would stay up for hours talking at night. I think the void seems so big because I hadn't really noticed how much negative she counteracted from my dad when she was alive. And now it seems like all there is is negative. This goes back to my first point...with all of her positive reinforcement gone, all I have is his criticism. I wish I could pick out specific memories from our talks to remind myself and encourage myself with her words, but I can't. I just remember that we had them.
The third thing is something I've only realized yesterday. Even though I can't always see it or understand it, I am talented at photography. I'm only a beginner still and have lots to learn, but I really do take some great photos. I've taken three classes, and I loved every bit of them. I didn't really retain a lot of the technical information, but I know the general rules. I know if I just looked back at my notes, or read a beginner's book I'd understand it again. I've decided that I need to put a portfolio together and start doing some beginner jobs. I know one of my cousins had mentioned last year that she wanted me to take her senior pictures, and I offered to photograph a friend with his family if they ever want some good pictures without paying professional rates. One of the thoughts that hit me hard with this realization, is that my mom would never know my talents. She knew me, and loved me, and maybe she saw them before I even knew about them...but she will never get to see them developed.
About a month ago, I submitted three of my pictures that I had edited to a poster competition for the NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign. I had kind of forgotten about it, and wasn't expecting the email that I received yesterday saying that my design won in my category! I was really shocked. I don't know how many submissions there were, so I'm not sure what the odds were for me winning. It was a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in years. Almost like I've forgotten the reward of that feeling, and how much it boosts self esteem. One of my coworkers told me she knew I would do something awesome with my talent, and that's when I realized that I should really start to consider this as a career path. I know the photography profession has changed drastically since digital was introduced, but I am seriously considering photojournalism or something along those lines as a major. I am also going to look into graphic design as an option. I loved doing the editing on my images. It didn't even feel like I was doing work, it was more like I was performing an experiment on them. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just doing it. Here is my image that won...it's kind of a self portrait I guess.
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So far this year, I've made some really smart decisions. The best thing I could have ever done for myself was taking this semester off. I've never felt more sure of a decision. It has opened up this opportunity for me to look within and really figure out who I am. Once I know that, I'm sure life won't seem so scary to me anymore.
Sorry for the long post, just had a lot to get out tonight!
Erin
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