Who am I?

So this is something I've been struggling with a lot these past couple of years. I feel like I've lost the person I want to be. And I have decided that by this time next year, I will better know who I am and what I want out of life. I wish I could just know now, but I know that this kind of discovery isn't instantaneous. I thought I knew what I wanted out of my life. That was to become a Marine Biologist, travel the world, and marry someone who loves God as much as I do. Most of this is still true, I would love to be a Marine Conservationist (or something to that accord). I would love to travel all over the world and soak in the histories and stories from all the big cities. I would also love to find a man who will love me and cherish me for who I am. But how can I do all of that if I don't know who I am myself? So I've decided to do this journey and I hope to document all the major discoveries here. Here's my plan:

First, I want to reaffirm my faith and get back to where I once was. I've fallen quite a bit in the last couple of years, and I don't want to anymore. I need to get back into my daily worship. So I bought a devotional book about this. I think this should be my first step, because how can I love myself (or anyone else) if I don't understand or appreciate God's love for me? So that's number one.

Second, I need to know what I am looking for out of my life from my own perspective. I need to know who I am, and what I want. This is just something I will need to ponder and discover without a book. I need to pray to the Lord and wait for his answers.

Last, I need to know what I want out of a relationship before I can even think of having one. I feel like I'm ready for one, but I'm not going to force anything. I need to understand what I will bring to it and what I want the other person to bring to it. And I know that I need to trust God's plan, and that he will provide it when it is meant to come. I've started reading a book that is supposed to counsel a person through all of this. I've read the first chapter so far, and I'm hooked. It is written from a Christian perspective which is good.

I know that books won't solve everything, but maybe it'll help me decide and understand what I need and what I want from life. So in a year, I hope to be in a much better place spiritually and emotionally.

Until next time!

Great Family Week...

So I know I've been away for a while, and that just goes to show how fast time flies these days! Also, it goes to show how bad I am at maintaining something like this. Well, I'm here to report on my fabulous holiday weekend/week. Last Friday we drove up to Houghton-Hancock, MI. It is almost to the tip of the Upper Peninsula. My grandparents both grew up there and we still have a lot of family in that area. The purpose for this visit was our family reunion, which was on Saturday (the 2nd). A lot of the families couldn't make it, so it was very short and consisted mostly of the "Bob" family. That would be my grandpa's family including his kids, and grandkids. That was alright, we got to play a bunch of games with the cousins and had fun by the water. My dad kept joking that we drove 6 hours north to see the people who live within 30 minutes of us at home.

Sunday came around and we had a great cookout at my dad's cousin, Kelly's house. They live right on Portage Lake, it is so beautiful there! I love going to Kelly and Slim's (that's her husband's nick name). They are such fun people and have all these cool things to do. They had a huge tube that floats in the water that they call "Party Island", all of the "little" girl cousins were on that right away! I call them the "little" girl cousins because the oldest out of those seven is still six years younger than me. So they will always be the little girls to me! :) Slim cooked some of the best meat ever! He made these delicious ribs and he cooked chicken over a fire pit (if any of you have ever had slow cooked chicken over a fire, you know how great that is!!!!) There were three different desserts, so good. And Slim makes his own bread, so he made french bread with this really good garlic herb dipping oil (also homemade!!!). Best food I've had in a very long time! We ended up having a little hand golf tourney, not sure who won that one, but we had three different games going at once! Later when it got darker, we had a fire going and roasted s'mores with all of the cousins, and watched their neighbor's firework show...which were illegal...which is also funny since Slim is the sheriff. After the firework show and most of the cousins had gone, my siblings and I sat out with our second cousin Katelyn and watched the stars for a good hour. It was an overall great day!

Monday, we decided to take a little road trip up to Copper Harbor. We had four cars caravanning on this drive! My dad, stepmom, and brother Daniel, and I in one car; David and Christina in another; and both of my dad's sisters with their families between the remaining two. It was crazy! Also it was the fourth so there were little parades in every little town we passed. Copper Harbor is at the tip of the peninsula right by Lake Superior, it's a cool little town. The drive has some awesome views, breathtaking in most areas. We stopped in some of the towns along the way...we walked on the sandstone beach and looked across the lake, and stopped at a very pretty waterfall where we all took our "Christmas Card" pictures. It was cool. After the drive we went to the farm my grandma grew up on...her older brother still lives there. He used to grow strawberries and when we were younger we got to help pick them a few times. He hasn't grown berries for a while, but he has all the land and a beautiful pond on it with a building he calls "The Abby". It's this little one room building right by the pond. It's gorgeous there! We hung out there for a cookout, and then listened to some good music by my cousin Rachel. She is an amazing musician. She can just pick up an instrument and play it. We stayed through the fireworks. It wasn't from Chassell, but it was from a town a couple miles down. It was pretty cool, we just stood in the drive way and watched them over the hill. It was near perfect.

Tuesday, my brothers needed to leave because they had to go back to work. But my sister-in-law stayed with me until Thursday and my dad and stepmom are staying until Sunday. Well we did a lot of things these last two days, we went shopping with my stepmom and my grandma, we took a boat ride with Kelly and Slim (and saw three Bald Eagles!), and ate some more good food! But Thursday came so fast and the fun was wrapping up.  Christina and I drove to Oshkosh for a festival called Lifest. It is very similar to Summerfest with two exceptions. It is MUCH smaller and it is Christian music! It was pretty awesome, we got there to hear JJ Heller, FFH, Matthew West, and the headliner for the night was MercyMe! It was such a good night. I wish it were closer to home! After the concerts, we got back in the car and drove the rest of the way home, getting back around 12:30am...so it has been a long week, but a good one!


This upcoming weekend will be a busy one as well. One of my best friends is getting married! It is sure to be an awesome weekend! I'll be sure to report back on that one! I promise!

When did this happen?!

So I was out to dinner today with a good friend and I started to realize how emotionally dependent I've become. When did I start being this way? Have I always been this way? I honestly don't know. I feel like I am permanently in this place of time. I don't feel I've moved forward. Actually, I feel like I've moved backwards. I don't know when I became so needy. I'd like to think that I am independent, and on my own, but the fact is...I am completely dependent upon other people. Whether it is financially or personally. I don't really make my own decisions anymore, and I definitely don't do what I want anymore. Granted, if I really DON'T want to do something, I won't. But I'll go along with what others want because it is easier than making my own decision about it. I think I need to work on this a little. When did I start caring so much about what others think of me? I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't care. Now I find myself changing myself to be what everyone else wants me to be. So who am I really?! I don't know. Maybe this is something I can figure out through this self reflection of a blog. I don't really have anything else on my mind. I just wanted to throw that out there. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!

Hello!

Alright, so here goes...

One of my good friends blogs and has encouraged me to start my own in hopes of it helping me to vent and get things out of my system. So here we go!

Lately I've been having a really hard time with my life. I haven't been able to find a balance between school and work. And I've particularly had a hard time finding my motivation to continue school. All of my friends are graduating and moving on to the next step in their lives and I feel very discouraged because I still have at least two years left. I know everyone moves at their own pace and God has a plan for me, but I've been having a very hard time accepting this. I am so ready to get a job that I love and move away from home (and away from any place that is familiar). I want to explore and have adventure. I don't want to feel rooted down to any particular place at this point in my life. I mainly feel very trapped in my mundane routine these days. I can't afford to work less, and I'm not qualified to get a higher paying job. This is my dilemma currently. If I could find a job that would pay me a couple bucks more, I could afford to work less and focus more on my schooling. I am not the type of person who can do both. I've been trying for three and a half years, it just doesn't work for me. It's to the point where my education is being threatened by my job. If I can't focus and get the grades that I need, I can kiss my dreams good-bye. I know this isn't a good attitude to have, but it's the truth. I basically have one more chance to make my dream happen.

My mom at her brother's wedding.

On top of that, I don't really have the best support system. My family has been struggling to hold itself together for the past five and a half years. My mother passed away then, and it has put a whole new stress on me and my family. My mom was the only one who I felt truly supported me and my choices. And to lose that is devastating to me. She made me feel like I could fly if I wanted to. She always pushed me to do better and to be better than I was. I think that is the main reason I haven't been able to move forward. I feel left behind. My oldest brother got married; my dad has even remarried. I feel very small and unaccomplished. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I'm glad that they are able to continue with their lives. I know that I have their love and I'm not looking for any pity. It's really hard for me to fully express what I'm feeling, I don't know how to describe it. I just feel purposeless, and slightly empty. I was talked out of the one thing I've really wanted in the past five years. I really wanted to move to South Carolina and go to school there. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I'm still not sure I made the right one to stay. I allowed myself to be convinced that the school was too expensive and that there wouldn't be any way I'd be able to accomplish it. I failed myself by not trying. I had a game plan laid out and everything. I wanted to move down there and work for a year, to gain residence in South Carolina. With that, school would be much cheaper. But I was told that I wouldn't be capable of paying for the cost of living on what I was paid. Which may be true, but if I wasn't going to school for a year, I was completely willing to work two jobs to pay for it. But I decided to stay home, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to do it. I think this will always be one of my biggest regrets. I remember asking my mom if I could move to Alaska for school, she told me to do it. Without any hesitation she encouraged me to reach for what I wanted. She never wanted me to settle, so for this, I've failed her too. Because I have settled. I have started doubting everything I've ever wanted for my life. Instead of trying harder to get the grades I need to move on in this field, I have started to consider alternative options. Options I've never wanted to consider because it's not what I want. It's never been what I wanted. I have a lot of thinking to do, and maybe that is my problem. Maybe I need to 'think' less and do more. Only God knows what my life holds for me. I just need to have the patience to wait and see what it is. It's so hard waiting though. Now I am two years older and have accomplished nothing. I manage to make it by with working and putting a smile on for everyone else. But if people really knew me, they'd know that that smile was forced most of the time. I don't think anyone should feel like they need to force a smile to make it by in life. I need to heal myself before I can even think of what my next step is.
That's all I have for now, I've been writing for about an hour and a half now, and I think that should be enough for today. Tomorrow is another day with the same story. I think I'll end my post with a poem that I wrote a couple of months ago...

Never Enough
It is so hard to fake this smile
When you're yelling at me like that
It's my only hope that in a while
This argument will fall flat

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be able to be like that.

Your expectations are impossible
No one could ever be
There's no way it's even possible
So just let me be

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be who you want me to be.

Can't you see it's hurting me
To be trapped in this life?
Can't you see I'm trying to be
Strong enough to strive?

It's not the way it's meant to be,
You need to let me go
It's always hard when you can't see,
That it's time to let me go!

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be enough...