WAY TOO LONG

It has been WAY TOO LONG since my last post here. I've finally started to figure out a few things in my life. I know a couple of months ago, I was very set on Marine Biology, and Photography...but I think God has a different plan for me. It's something I have been guided to by my wonderful college counselor! I don't think I want to share with you all quite yet what it is...only because I am only just discovering it for myself. One thing to say would be...that I have never been able to actually see myself doing what is described in a degree description until this. So it's kinda funny how things work. I am currently taking the first introductory class to the major, and I am extremely interested in it. I have also been doing much better in this class within the first week, than I was doing in three years of Biology related classes. So that is exciting for me! I'm super pumped for what the next two years will bring...

As it is late, and I have a test in my other class tomorrow, I'm going to say goodnight. But I will return sooner than later...I promise!

Erin

Dare I Say It?!

This may have possibly been the best birthday I've ever had. And not just because we went to see Switchfoot the night after my birthday...it has just been an overall good week! I am finally starting to feel like the person I once was. I feel like I am finally back on the path I used to be on. And that is awesome in my mind. I'm sure that I will continue to have those days where it is an emotional struggle to resist the anger and yelling and depression, but I feel like I've learned to think before reacting in most situations. That is something I am really proud of even though it may seem small.

Now one of the highlights from this week was the Switchfoot concert! The venue we were at was much smaller than I expected! It was by far the most intimate concert I've ever been to. And it was just awesome! We were like three feet away from the stage! I'm posting some photos with this.

Besides the concert, this weekend is going to be filled with meals upon meals upon meals with both family and friends. It will be a lot of fun! I'm very blessed to have all of these people in my life!

Until next time...

These Times

Well, tonight's post is going to be themed. I turned my iPod on while on my way home from work tonight, and this song came on. I've heard it countless times, and know the words by heart. But I actually paid attention to the meaning behind the words this time, and I can't help but realize how much it relates to my life right now. Here is a link to the video and the lyrics:

"These Times"
By Safetysuit

These times will try hard to define me
And I’ll try to hold my head up high
But I’ve seen despair here from the inside
And it’s got a one track mind

And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don’t know what it is I’ll find
Does anybody ever feel like
You’re always one step behind

Now I’m sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will

And I know there’s someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I’d give anything just to work
It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out
Of all these things I can’t

And I am sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will

These times will try hard to define me
But I will hold my head up high

Sitting alone here in my bed
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass

And I know there’s a reason
I just keep hoping it won’t be long ’til I see it
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it
I’m telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will pass

The whole song really helps me put to words how I've been feeling lately, especially when they talk about despair having a one track mind, and having a feeling without knowing what you'll find when you look within. I've really felt like that because of my self-reflections...I really don't know what I'll find, and it kind of scares me. But the last verse/refrain is where it really motivated me...it's time to just give in to the flow of life and see what develops.

Here's to not dwelling on the what if's and just making the decision and following through with it!

Negative People

Short post today...I just have had enough with all the negativity in my life. I've decided that I have too many negative people influencing my life. Mainly a couple of people who just always bring me down or just aren't around the way I need them to be. The thing about them is that I always need to be there or be supportive when they need it (or when they guilt me into it), but when it comes to me needing someone to talk to they either tell me I'm overreacting or that I'm wrong. I just need some better friends I think.

All for now, maybe I'll post more later.

Erin

Just some thoughts

So this really just hit me square in the face tonight and I needed to share it. I've decided that I don't know how to let people in anymore. I've completely shut down emotionally, and it scares me. I don't really know when it happened, or if I've always been this way, but it's something I need to work on if I don't want to end up alone forever. I think part of it goes back to when my mom died, my whole brain seemed to shut down and I haven't quite figured out how to turn parts of it back on. I just don't give anyone a chance to get to know me anymore. I can't even put into words what I feel like right now, I just know it isn't a good feeling. This all just came on because I was thinking about my friend's wedding this summer, and how there are very few from our group who are still single. I feel like I have a long way to go before I can even think of letting someone in. This is in no way a pity-party. I just have been doing a lot of soul searching this year trying to figure out who I am, and what I need to improve on. My attitude was the first thing I noticed. I used to be such a smiley, outgoing, overall happy person. I've noticed that, especially in the past couple of years, my attitude has become very sour and bitter towards people and life in general. Once I was conscious of that, I made the decision to change it. One of my coworkers actually came up to me last week and told me that she is very proud of the way I've turned it around, and that "this is the Erin I remember from when you were in high school!" To hear that my efforts are being noticed makes me happy. But this is only a small part of what I need to reshape about myself. Some of the other things I've noticed include improving my health, learning to let others in, learning how to stand up for myself and to express myself better, and cleaning out my house (I never had a chance to go through things when we moved). These are just a few of the things I can think of right now, but I'm sure the list will continue to grow!

Thats all for now...

Memories and Passions

Hello!
So I know I didn't post on Tuesday at all, but I'm going to say something now. Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of my mom's passing. It was definitely a hard day, as I'm sure it always will be. I took a "special holiday" (basically an extra vacation day) from work, and I was very much in the mood to clean. I started going through some of my things and came across a letter my mom had written to me when I was in eighth grade. I took a trip with my brother's and my aunt and uncle and two cousins to New York City shortly after 9/11 and she wrote me a goodnight note. I reread it when I found it, and it all rushed back. I didn't get as emotional as I have in the past, it was more of just remembering her.

One thing I've been striving for this year is gaining my independence and figuring out who I am. I have always tried to do what everyone else wanted me to do, or told me I could do. I never really sat back and figured out what I wanted to do. Well I did that a little bit this week. I'm not sure if it was just me finally realizing it, or if God was sending me a wake up call, but I recently started getting a lot of offers to do photography for people. And I know that I mentioned in earlier posts about pursuing photography as a career. Well, I've applied to three different photography studios and I'm really hoping one of them calls. I am so ready to move forward, and a new job in an area that interests me so much would be the best first step I could take! One of them even has a tuition reimbursement program, so I could get the MATC photography program paid for me! Well yesterday I was watching a documentary and I've decided that I'd really love to go into photojournalism. I want to travel and take pictures that matter, or can change the way someone thinks about something. What better than a photojournalism career?! So, I think I'm finally finding my passion again. It's been so long since I've had it, I'm terrified of it! But its always the things that scare us the most that are the most worth while, right?

I'll keep you updated on this newest development!
Until the next time!

Opportunities Falling in the Lap

So I know I already posted something today, and the fact that I'm doing a double post is quite impressive to myself. I just needed to make a small post on this. Today I went to visit my grandpa in the hospital, he had a heart episode, but thankfully they figured it out and are putting a defibrillator/pacemaker in tomorrow. Well, while I was there I ran into two of my aunts and their families. I had already talked with one of my cousins about doing her senior pictures for next year, and so my aunt just came out and asked me if I would be interested in doing a friend of her's wedding photos! I am absolutely terrified to say yes, I haven't even started doing any kind of events...although I will be doing my first fundraiser event in less than two weeks. So I asked a friend of the family if he had any advice for me, and he said you just need to jump in and do it! He told me that he remembers being terrified the first time he did a wedding, and that as he kept doing more, he kept getting better. So that helped me a little. He also offered to get together with me to look through some of the things he has done to give me some ideas. I'm really starting to consider this as a career path. I know I wouldn't want to do events forever, but I would love to do something in the field whether it was portrait, or landscape photography. I'm going to seriously look into the Art Studio program at UWM now.

Alright, that is all the excitement for today...I'll definitely be back to post soon!

Up at 6am with nothing to do...

So I've been tossing and turning in my bed for about an hour, and I can't seem to get back to sleep...so here I am to put some "thoughts to paper". First off, I'm getting a little stir crazy here, I haven't taken a trip in almost a year! Between last year and the year before, I had the opportunity to travel quite a bit. I went to Arizona, South Carolina, North Carolina, Upper Michigan, Lower Michigan, South Dakota, California, and of course all over Wisconsin and Minnesota for all of the weddings that went on last summer. It's weird that it has been almost a year since I've done any new traveling. I'm getting a little antsy. So with that being said, I might be going to Texas to visit a friend for her spring break! I really hope it can happen...prices are a little high, so we'll see if it's possible!

Secondly, I'm in desperate need for a new job. I've put my application in for four different positions, and I will be adding another one tomorrow. I just need a new environment. I've already applied at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for three different clerical positions. I also applied at FedEx (GASP! both my brothers work for UPS). Tomorrow I hope to apply for an assistant manager position at a new ALDI's being built near my house. If I could get that, that would be awesome. I'd almost double my pay now, and be working full time.

Also, I know I've mentioned before that I want to try to branch into doing some photography work, well I'm going to try to find a job somewhere related to it...and if I can't do that I'm going to start networking with my family and friends to see if anyone wants to have me take some decent pics instead of going to a studio first. I know quite a bit of people who are pregnant now, so maybe they'll want to do some maternity pictures with me. We shall see how that goes! If anything develops there, I'll update my blog then.

Other than that, I guess there really isn't anything new. I'm just working a lot and trying to figure it all out.  Hopefully I'll have something to share soon!

When It All Starts to Click...

So as I have hinted at in previous posts, I've decided to really dedicate this year to my own self-improvement. I have started to just barely exist in my own life, and that is no way to live. In order for me to become more active in my life I really needed to take a hard look at what was going on inside. I was kinda afraid of what I would find, but I'm really glad I did it.

First off, I have a real big self esteem problem. I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right, I was always criticized or yelled at by my father. I was never able to really express myself very well, and when I did I was always shut down. I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't be interested in certain things because they wouldn't take me anywhere in life. So I let some of the things I felt most passionate about fade until I couldn't feel it anymore. I've let some dreams die way too early because of this insecurity. I always have a little voice inside me telling me "you'll never make it doing that" or "there's no way you could ever handle that kind of life". I have his criticism permanently in my mind telling me I'll never be good enough. I think that if I can learn to block that voice out...anything could be possible! But what if I can't? I would have a sad excuse for a life if I never learn that.

Secondly, I am still grieving. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and it is always a different experience for each individual on their own. On March 6, it will be 6 years since my mom died. There really is no words for me to describe what it felt like to loose her. She was my biggest cheerleader, and honestly, the only cheerleader that really mattered in my life. I love my brothers and how they encourage me to do what I want, and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents encourage me. Even with all of them together, their approval and encouragement isn't even half of what my mom's meant. To not have that constant encouragement every day is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, no potential and no promise. I would have turned to her with these situations and talked it out and listened to what she had to think about it all. Sometimes we would stay up for hours talking at night. I think the void seems so big because I hadn't really noticed how much negative she counteracted from my dad when she was alive. And now it seems like all there is is negative. This goes back to my first point...with all of her positive reinforcement gone, all I have is his criticism. I wish I could pick out specific memories from our talks to remind myself and encourage myself with her words, but I can't. I just remember that we had them.

The third thing is something I've only realized yesterday. Even though I can't always see it or understand it, I am talented at photography. I'm only a beginner still and have lots to learn, but I really do take some great photos. I've taken three classes, and I loved every bit of them. I didn't really retain a lot of the technical information, but I know the general rules. I know if I just looked back at my notes, or read a beginner's book I'd understand it again. I've decided that I need to put a portfolio together and start doing some beginner jobs. I know one of my cousins had mentioned last year that she wanted me to take her senior pictures, and I offered to photograph a friend with his family if they ever want some good pictures without paying professional rates. One of the thoughts that hit me hard with this realization, is that my mom would never know my talents. She knew me, and loved me, and maybe she saw them before I even knew about them...but she will never get to see them developed.

About a month ago, I submitted three of my pictures that I had edited to a poster competition for the NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign. I had kind of forgotten about it, and wasn't expecting the email that I received yesterday saying that my design won in my category! I was really shocked. I don't know how many submissions there were, so I'm not sure what the odds were for me winning. It was a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in years. Almost like I've forgotten the reward of that feeling, and how much it boosts self esteem. One of my coworkers told me she knew I would do something awesome with my talent, and that's when I realized that I should really start to consider this as a career path. I know the photography profession has changed drastically since digital was introduced, but I am seriously considering photojournalism or something along those lines as a major. I am also going to look into graphic design as an option. I loved doing the editing on my images. It didn't even feel like I was doing work, it was more like I was performing an experiment on them. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just doing it. Here is my image that won...it's kind of a self portrait I guess.

So far this year, I've made some really smart decisions. The best thing I could have ever done for myself was taking this semester off. I've never felt more sure of a decision. It has opened up this opportunity for me to look within and really figure out who I am. Once I know that, I'm sure life won't seem so scary to me anymore.

Sorry for the long post, just had a lot to get out tonight!

Erin

Resolution Updates...

Okay, so clearly my goal for posting at least once a week failed. But I think less than a month is pretty good for my track record. I'm still unhappily working at Walgreen's right now, and today was almost the day I walked out. Today was a terrible day. I just don't understand why people think that it is okay to just step all over someone and treat them like garbage. I know that I'm the bottom of the chain in this company, I understand that no one in the company is indispensable. But I know that in my store, I do so much more then is even recognized. I know I have my days when I don't do much, but usually that is not the case. That is only one of the reasons today sucked. On to tomorrow, at least I have an early shift so I can actually accomplish something else in my day. My plan for tomorrow is to start my search for a new job. Wish me luck on that!

I'm hoping to get started on my other resolutions coming up in this next month. I have already started going through my things to start thinning it all out. I went through my clothes and have compiled three full bags of clothing and one bag of purses and shoes to sell. So I'd say I did pretty good. I still have way too much clothes, but I'll have to do another run through it in March or April. I have to finish going through my room hopefully in the next two weeks. I want to try to sell a bunch of my books and movies on Amazon or maybe I can donate them to a library if that doesn't work. I should really try to get rid of a bunch of my cd's too. I need to go through all of my boxes from college, I saved practically everything when I was in MN. I have all of my binders and notebooks still. I might keep a couple, but I should really just recycle the rest. My aunt is planning to have a rummage sale in May sometime, so I'm hoping she'll let me put most of my stuff in. She has in the past, the only concern I'd have is that I'll have a lot more this time around than I usually do. Anything that doesn't sell I'm either donating or throwing away.

So today was pretty crappy, but it ended well. I got home and ate dinner, then I went for a walk with my roommate Laurel. Which not so surprisingly lifted my spirits quite a bit. I think it was just the fact that I got outside and got to enjoy some exercise and fresh air. It was nice, then we came back and ended it all with some Big Bang Theory...a pretty good finish to a crappy day. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoother at work, and I get some leads or at least apply for a new job. That will be my goal for tomorrow... put at least one application in somewhere. I'll keep you posted on it all!

Erin

New Year, New Me

So I know that it is kind of a cliche to set New Year's resolutions, but I've never actually been serious about setting one until now. I am very unhappy with my life right now, so I've decided to do something about it. Instead of focusing my energy on school like I have for the last three and a half years (five and a half if I'm being truly honest), I will be focusing on myself. I need to start taking control of my own life and destination. I do believe that there is a rhyme and reason to everything, and that God already knows where my life will lead and all of that. But I just need to start doing what I want without taking everyone else's opinions into consideration. Don't get me wrong, I love advice when I ask for it...but when I just state an idea and then someone shoots it down with reason or excuses, I usually do what they say. And I don't want to do that anymore.

Here's how I see it. I am 23 years old, still two years away from graduating no matter what path I go down, and burnt out. It's almost sad to say that. I feel so old and burdened by life...at 23?! There is something seriously wrong with that. I understand that to have a job that can support me in life I will need to finish school and get a degree. Don't get me wrong, I know that. I'm not completely idiotic. But why do I need to finish it now? I have no commitments right now...no boyfriend, no children, no real need for a real job. I have every opportunity at my fingertips! In fact, I have been considering applying for an Americorps program and getting out of WI for a while. Moving to a new state and experiencing a new type of life would be beneficial to me. I really believe that. And this would be the year to do it! I have been looking into two areas: Seattle, Washington and Dallas, Texas. These are two completely different areas from the midwest. I just want to experience a bit of independence. I know for a fact that I can not spend the next year working full time at Walgreens. I just can't take that job anymore. I need a change.

Also, I did really good with my diet at the beginning of last year, and then I stopped because I no longer had the motivation to keep it up. Well this year I want to do better. I want to start up my diet again AND maintain it/see it through to the end of my weight loss goal. In addition to that, I want to either join a gym or find a work out dvd that can help me. I know a couple of people who have done the Insanity program and found it successful...and I know a couple of people who swear by the P90X program. I just want to find one that I can do and feel confident in doing. I know that if I want to see results in anything in life, I need to work hard and set goals and have my own expectations out of life.

Another thing I want to sit down and figure out....What do I expect from my life right now? I mentioned earlier that I wanted to have more independence. This is very important to me, because I know what to do, I just feel extremely limited to how I can do it. I need to sit down and figure out what my expectations are. When I do, I promise I will write a post about them.

One last resolution, I want to keep up with posts here. Whether it is once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I keep writing. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions, and I don't always let them out....I have found that this is an excellent way of getting them out and in the open. And if I decide to act on them, then great. If not, then at least I got them out of my system, and can remember what I felt when I was feeling them.

Today's K-LOVE encouraging word of the day is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." This is kind of the perfect passage to describe what I am feeling right now. I need to relearn to put my life in God's hands. I do believe my decision for this year is a good one that God has led me to make it. May God bless everyone as they start off this new year!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let's make 2012 great!
Erin