Here I am again...

Well, I know in earlier posts I warned you that I just can't keep up with things like this very well...so I apologize again for the two month silence. I just have had a lot going on with me lately. I found out that I was no longer eligible for financial aid this semester, so I need to find a way to pay off my classes before I can move forward with school. So I tried applying for a student loan through Chase, and guess what? Yep, I was denied the loan. So I either have to ask my dad to cosign with me (which he said he needs to think about) or I can't pay it off before next semester. Also, I received an e-mail from my advisor strongly advising me to pick a new major outside of the sciences because it seems like I struggle the most with the core classes required in that field. Well, I've only ever truly wanted to do one thing, and that was Marine Biology. I tried the teaching route, and I don't really think I have the patience for that. With that being said, what am I supposed to do? I've always tested better in the science and math areas, so why can't I get through the classes? I have a couple of ideas, but I'm really not sure what I should do. I was thinking of transferring to MATC or WCTC and just getting my associates degree in either the Lab Tech or Surgical Tech areas. All of the prereqs would be done, so all I would need is the program classes which wouldn't take too long to complete. A couple of people I know have told me I should go to culinary school, because I love to cook. But would I love to cook as a career? I honestly don't know. So I was thinking of just completing the associate degree first to get a better foothold on independence away from my dad, and then I can always go back and finish my bachelor's when I better know what I want to do. I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, and I'll probably go talk with the career center advisor at UWM sometime. And since it seems like I'm pretty much going to be forced to take this next semester off, I'll have some time to figure it out I guess.

I need to figure it out fast, because I really need a new job. Let me just say, I do not have the patience to deal with retail much longer! People are just becoming more and more rude lately, and I definitely do not get paid enough to get yelled at by customers about something we have no control over at the store. I know it will get much worse within the next few weeks too, because of the holidays. But until I have a better opportunity, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!

Basically, I have some pretty big decisions to make within the next month, so I'll keep you posted on what I decide!

Erin

Whatever You're Doing

So have you ever had one of those moments where everything just comes together and it seems so clear to you? I had one of these moments today. It's funny how easy it is to forget something that you've been so sure of most of your life. Well, today I relearned something that I can't believe I forgot! In order to understand this fully, I'll have to tell you some background. I have been struggling with my faith for a long time now, and I keep trying to figure out what I need to do to get a hold of it again. I have been living in fear. Fear that I've rejected God, fear that I've let Satan into my life, fear that I'm never going to be good enough. I've just been giving in to my sinful self a little too much lately. Well, today it all hit me at one moment, I don't need to do anything except allow God to work in my life. And Satan can't enter my life with God standing next to me. I had forgotten that. The thing that caused this revelation came in the form of a song. I was listening to the Christian radio station here both on the way to and on the way home from work. This morning, Switchfoot's "Your Love Is A Song" came on and being one of my favorite bands, their music almost always speaks to me and inspires me. But it really hit me when I was driving home after 6 straight days of working (and I was really crabby)...when Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing" came on. I absolutely love this song, and it is going to be my new motivation song. It's an older song, and I've listened to it over 100 times, it's funny how something familiar can affect you so strongly. It really hit me hard because I feel like I've been stuck in this one part of my life, refusing to move on. I want to, but I'm scared to. This song talks about healing and moving on, finding a new beginning and figuring out who you are. But I can't even begin to know how to do that without God's guidance. He alone knows what is in store for my life, and I need to start trusting him again. I have a lot of trust issues. Especially with trusting in God's plan. He clearly wanted my mom to be with him, but I just couldn't seem to see how I could go on with my life without needing her. I've been so afraid that moving on meant that I would forget her. I know that seems silly since I still have most of my life's worth of memories with her, but I've already started forgetting things about her. I can't hear her voice anymore, and I can't picture her face without looking at a photo. I've spent so much time defining who I am because of her, and this song is saying it's time to move on and figure out who I am on my own.

So I think God has led me to another personal discovery. I've been trying to focus on my faith a lot lately and I have been doing a lot of personal reflection. I believe God works in mysterious ways, he is always sending messages and answering prayers, we just need to keep our eyes and ears open for them!

Here are the lyrics to both songs...

Switchfoot-Your Love Is A Song

I hear you breathing in
Another day begins
The stars are falling out
My dreams are fading now, fading out

I've been keeping my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my eyes wide open

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Oh, your love is a song

The dawn is fire bright
Against the city lights
The clouds are glowing now
The moon is blacking out, is blacking out

So I've been keeping my mind wide open
I've been keeping my mind wide open, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running to me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, and into me

Oh, your love is a song
Your love is a song
Oh, your love is a song
Your love is strong

With my eyes wide open
I've got my eyes wide open
I've been keeping my hopes unbroken
Yeah, yeah

Ooh, your love is a symphony
All around me, running through me
Ooh, your love is a melody
Underneath me, running to me

Your love is a song
Yeah, yeah
Your love is my remedy
Oh, your love is a song

Sanctus Real-Whatever You're Doing

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Something Heavenly*

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out



That's all I have for today. I'll try to get something up a little bit quicker this next time! It might be difficult since I'm starting classes this next week, but I'm gonna try to start posting on a regular basis!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day weekend!

Leave it to God

So as I've mentioned in an earlier post, I've decided to start refocusing my faith and getting back to having Christ as my center. Well, I've recently decided that I don't really give my problems or situations to God. I just go about it the way I think I should. Now, how exactly do you give yourself to God? I've struggled with this, because I've said prayers, and I've read devotionals...but what is it really that you need to do? How do you "Leave it to God"? I guess this is how I always used to interpret it: you can say prayers and ask God to do what you want to happen. OR you can pray and let the situation be and if it was "meant to be" it was "meant to be". But now I'm not so sure. God gave us free will. So we are able to make our own decisions about things. With that being said, I now believe that if we ask God to guide us toward the right decision, that can also be considered "leaving it to God". I just have so many "up-in-the-air" situations that I don't know what to do! Where do I go to school? What major should I choose? Am I ready for a emotional relationship? Am I ready for change? There is so much that I am unsure of...how do I leave it to God?!

I hate to make titles, cause I never know what to put... :)

I have a few things on my mind today, and I need to let it out!

First, CLEARANCE SALES! I love to browse clearance racks...and this is the best time to do it since all of the summer clothes and products are getting marked down to blow-out prices! I went to both Target and Kohl's today and there are some awesome deals going on! My only issue is that I have no money for this right now, so I suppose I'll have to wait another week. Hopefully there will still be some great deals then!

Secondly, I have a boy issue. Haha...well, more like I have the issue. I have a big crush on this guy who is a vendor at my work, but I never know what to say when he comes in! It's always the same routine, "Hi, how're you doing?" "Hey, I'm doing good. How about you?" "I'm good." We both go about our business, and then it always ends with "Have a nice day!" "Thanks, you too." I, for the life of me, cannot seem to get past the polite hello's! I get so nervous, and almost run away from him when he comes in. Well, I had off of work today (the first Tuesday in a long time) and that's when he usually comes in. So a couple of my friends told me I should just stop by and maybe with me not on the clock we'd chat a little bit more. So I do this, I dress nicely and make sure my hair isn't a frizz ball like usual, and go to work. With my luck, it isn't him today! It was someone else who came in and did his usual job...now I have to wait until next week to see if this change is permanent or not. I hope not, because I was just starting to talk to him! Also, I need help figuring out how to move the conversation past the hello/goodbyes.

I guess those are the two major things for today. It was kinda a superficial post today. But hopefully I can report back soon on more of my thoughts....

Talk to you soon! :)

Who am I?

So this is something I've been struggling with a lot these past couple of years. I feel like I've lost the person I want to be. And I have decided that by this time next year, I will better know who I am and what I want out of life. I wish I could just know now, but I know that this kind of discovery isn't instantaneous. I thought I knew what I wanted out of my life. That was to become a Marine Biologist, travel the world, and marry someone who loves God as much as I do. Most of this is still true, I would love to be a Marine Conservationist (or something to that accord). I would love to travel all over the world and soak in the histories and stories from all the big cities. I would also love to find a man who will love me and cherish me for who I am. But how can I do all of that if I don't know who I am myself? So I've decided to do this journey and I hope to document all the major discoveries here. Here's my plan:

First, I want to reaffirm my faith and get back to where I once was. I've fallen quite a bit in the last couple of years, and I don't want to anymore. I need to get back into my daily worship. So I bought a devotional book about this. I think this should be my first step, because how can I love myself (or anyone else) if I don't understand or appreciate God's love for me? So that's number one.

Second, I need to know what I am looking for out of my life from my own perspective. I need to know who I am, and what I want. This is just something I will need to ponder and discover without a book. I need to pray to the Lord and wait for his answers.

Last, I need to know what I want out of a relationship before I can even think of having one. I feel like I'm ready for one, but I'm not going to force anything. I need to understand what I will bring to it and what I want the other person to bring to it. And I know that I need to trust God's plan, and that he will provide it when it is meant to come. I've started reading a book that is supposed to counsel a person through all of this. I've read the first chapter so far, and I'm hooked. It is written from a Christian perspective which is good.

I know that books won't solve everything, but maybe it'll help me decide and understand what I need and what I want from life. So in a year, I hope to be in a much better place spiritually and emotionally.

Until next time!

Great Family Week...

So I know I've been away for a while, and that just goes to show how fast time flies these days! Also, it goes to show how bad I am at maintaining something like this. Well, I'm here to report on my fabulous holiday weekend/week. Last Friday we drove up to Houghton-Hancock, MI. It is almost to the tip of the Upper Peninsula. My grandparents both grew up there and we still have a lot of family in that area. The purpose for this visit was our family reunion, which was on Saturday (the 2nd). A lot of the families couldn't make it, so it was very short and consisted mostly of the "Bob" family. That would be my grandpa's family including his kids, and grandkids. That was alright, we got to play a bunch of games with the cousins and had fun by the water. My dad kept joking that we drove 6 hours north to see the people who live within 30 minutes of us at home.

Sunday came around and we had a great cookout at my dad's cousin, Kelly's house. They live right on Portage Lake, it is so beautiful there! I love going to Kelly and Slim's (that's her husband's nick name). They are such fun people and have all these cool things to do. They had a huge tube that floats in the water that they call "Party Island", all of the "little" girl cousins were on that right away! I call them the "little" girl cousins because the oldest out of those seven is still six years younger than me. So they will always be the little girls to me! :) Slim cooked some of the best meat ever! He made these delicious ribs and he cooked chicken over a fire pit (if any of you have ever had slow cooked chicken over a fire, you know how great that is!!!!) There were three different desserts, so good. And Slim makes his own bread, so he made french bread with this really good garlic herb dipping oil (also homemade!!!). Best food I've had in a very long time! We ended up having a little hand golf tourney, not sure who won that one, but we had three different games going at once! Later when it got darker, we had a fire going and roasted s'mores with all of the cousins, and watched their neighbor's firework show...which were illegal...which is also funny since Slim is the sheriff. After the firework show and most of the cousins had gone, my siblings and I sat out with our second cousin Katelyn and watched the stars for a good hour. It was an overall great day!

Monday, we decided to take a little road trip up to Copper Harbor. We had four cars caravanning on this drive! My dad, stepmom, and brother Daniel, and I in one car; David and Christina in another; and both of my dad's sisters with their families between the remaining two. It was crazy! Also it was the fourth so there were little parades in every little town we passed. Copper Harbor is at the tip of the peninsula right by Lake Superior, it's a cool little town. The drive has some awesome views, breathtaking in most areas. We stopped in some of the towns along the way...we walked on the sandstone beach and looked across the lake, and stopped at a very pretty waterfall where we all took our "Christmas Card" pictures. It was cool. After the drive we went to the farm my grandma grew up on...her older brother still lives there. He used to grow strawberries and when we were younger we got to help pick them a few times. He hasn't grown berries for a while, but he has all the land and a beautiful pond on it with a building he calls "The Abby". It's this little one room building right by the pond. It's gorgeous there! We hung out there for a cookout, and then listened to some good music by my cousin Rachel. She is an amazing musician. She can just pick up an instrument and play it. We stayed through the fireworks. It wasn't from Chassell, but it was from a town a couple miles down. It was pretty cool, we just stood in the drive way and watched them over the hill. It was near perfect.

Tuesday, my brothers needed to leave because they had to go back to work. But my sister-in-law stayed with me until Thursday and my dad and stepmom are staying until Sunday. Well we did a lot of things these last two days, we went shopping with my stepmom and my grandma, we took a boat ride with Kelly and Slim (and saw three Bald Eagles!), and ate some more good food! But Thursday came so fast and the fun was wrapping up.  Christina and I drove to Oshkosh for a festival called Lifest. It is very similar to Summerfest with two exceptions. It is MUCH smaller and it is Christian music! It was pretty awesome, we got there to hear JJ Heller, FFH, Matthew West, and the headliner for the night was MercyMe! It was such a good night. I wish it were closer to home! After the concerts, we got back in the car and drove the rest of the way home, getting back around 12:30am...so it has been a long week, but a good one!


This upcoming weekend will be a busy one as well. One of my best friends is getting married! It is sure to be an awesome weekend! I'll be sure to report back on that one! I promise!

When did this happen?!

So I was out to dinner today with a good friend and I started to realize how emotionally dependent I've become. When did I start being this way? Have I always been this way? I honestly don't know. I feel like I am permanently in this place of time. I don't feel I've moved forward. Actually, I feel like I've moved backwards. I don't know when I became so needy. I'd like to think that I am independent, and on my own, but the fact is...I am completely dependent upon other people. Whether it is financially or personally. I don't really make my own decisions anymore, and I definitely don't do what I want anymore. Granted, if I really DON'T want to do something, I won't. But I'll go along with what others want because it is easier than making my own decision about it. I think I need to work on this a little. When did I start caring so much about what others think of me? I used to pride myself on the fact that I didn't care. Now I find myself changing myself to be what everyone else wants me to be. So who am I really?! I don't know. Maybe this is something I can figure out through this self reflection of a blog. I don't really have anything else on my mind. I just wanted to throw that out there. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day weekend!

Hello!

Alright, so here goes...

One of my good friends blogs and has encouraged me to start my own in hopes of it helping me to vent and get things out of my system. So here we go!

Lately I've been having a really hard time with my life. I haven't been able to find a balance between school and work. And I've particularly had a hard time finding my motivation to continue school. All of my friends are graduating and moving on to the next step in their lives and I feel very discouraged because I still have at least two years left. I know everyone moves at their own pace and God has a plan for me, but I've been having a very hard time accepting this. I am so ready to get a job that I love and move away from home (and away from any place that is familiar). I want to explore and have adventure. I don't want to feel rooted down to any particular place at this point in my life. I mainly feel very trapped in my mundane routine these days. I can't afford to work less, and I'm not qualified to get a higher paying job. This is my dilemma currently. If I could find a job that would pay me a couple bucks more, I could afford to work less and focus more on my schooling. I am not the type of person who can do both. I've been trying for three and a half years, it just doesn't work for me. It's to the point where my education is being threatened by my job. If I can't focus and get the grades that I need, I can kiss my dreams good-bye. I know this isn't a good attitude to have, but it's the truth. I basically have one more chance to make my dream happen.

My mom at her brother's wedding.

On top of that, I don't really have the best support system. My family has been struggling to hold itself together for the past five and a half years. My mother passed away then, and it has put a whole new stress on me and my family. My mom was the only one who I felt truly supported me and my choices. And to lose that is devastating to me. She made me feel like I could fly if I wanted to. She always pushed me to do better and to be better than I was. I think that is the main reason I haven't been able to move forward. I feel left behind. My oldest brother got married; my dad has even remarried. I feel very small and unaccomplished. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I'm glad that they are able to continue with their lives. I know that I have their love and I'm not looking for any pity. It's really hard for me to fully express what I'm feeling, I don't know how to describe it. I just feel purposeless, and slightly empty. I was talked out of the one thing I've really wanted in the past five years. I really wanted to move to South Carolina and go to school there. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make, and I'm still not sure I made the right one to stay. I allowed myself to be convinced that the school was too expensive and that there wouldn't be any way I'd be able to accomplish it. I failed myself by not trying. I had a game plan laid out and everything. I wanted to move down there and work for a year, to gain residence in South Carolina. With that, school would be much cheaper. But I was told that I wouldn't be capable of paying for the cost of living on what I was paid. Which may be true, but if I wasn't going to school for a year, I was completely willing to work two jobs to pay for it. But I decided to stay home, because I was convinced that I wouldn't be able to do it. I think this will always be one of my biggest regrets. I remember asking my mom if I could move to Alaska for school, she told me to do it. Without any hesitation she encouraged me to reach for what I wanted. She never wanted me to settle, so for this, I've failed her too. Because I have settled. I have started doubting everything I've ever wanted for my life. Instead of trying harder to get the grades I need to move on in this field, I have started to consider alternative options. Options I've never wanted to consider because it's not what I want. It's never been what I wanted. I have a lot of thinking to do, and maybe that is my problem. Maybe I need to 'think' less and do more. Only God knows what my life holds for me. I just need to have the patience to wait and see what it is. It's so hard waiting though. Now I am two years older and have accomplished nothing. I manage to make it by with working and putting a smile on for everyone else. But if people really knew me, they'd know that that smile was forced most of the time. I don't think anyone should feel like they need to force a smile to make it by in life. I need to heal myself before I can even think of what my next step is.
That's all I have for now, I've been writing for about an hour and a half now, and I think that should be enough for today. Tomorrow is another day with the same story. I think I'll end my post with a poem that I wrote a couple of months ago...

Never Enough
It is so hard to fake this smile
When you're yelling at me like that
It's my only hope that in a while
This argument will fall flat

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be able to be like that.

Your expectations are impossible
No one could ever be
There's no way it's even possible
So just let me be

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be who you want me to be.

Can't you see it's hurting me
To be trapped in this life?
Can't you see I'm trying to be
Strong enough to strive?

It's not the way it's meant to be,
You need to let me go
It's always hard when you can't see,
That it's time to let me go!

It's never enough,
I'm never enough...
I'll never be enough...