Hello!
So I know I didn't post on Tuesday at all, but I'm going to say something now. Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of my mom's passing. It was definitely a hard day, as I'm sure it always will be. I took a "special holiday" (basically an extra vacation day) from work, and I was very much in the mood to clean. I started going through some of my things and came across a letter my mom had written to me when I was in eighth grade. I took a trip with my brother's and my aunt and uncle and two cousins to New York City shortly after 9/11 and she wrote me a goodnight note. I reread it when I found it, and it all rushed back. I didn't get as emotional as I have in the past, it was more of just remembering her.
One thing I've been striving for this year is gaining my independence and figuring out who I am. I have always tried to do what everyone else wanted me to do, or told me I could do. I never really sat back and figured out what I wanted to do. Well I did that a little bit this week. I'm not sure if it was just me finally realizing it, or if God was sending me a wake up call, but I recently started getting a lot of offers to do photography for people. And I know that I mentioned in earlier posts about pursuing photography as a career. Well, I've applied to three different photography studios and I'm really hoping one of them calls. I am so ready to move forward, and a new job in an area that interests me so much would be the best first step I could take! One of them even has a tuition reimbursement program, so I could get the MATC photography program paid for me! Well yesterday I was watching a documentary and I've decided that I'd really love to go into photojournalism. I want to travel and take pictures that matter, or can change the way someone thinks about something. What better than a photojournalism career?! So, I think I'm finally finding my passion again. It's been so long since I've had it, I'm terrified of it! But its always the things that scare us the most that are the most worth while, right?
I'll keep you updated on this newest development!
Until the next time!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Opportunities Falling in the Lap
So I know I already posted something today, and the fact that I'm doing a double post is quite impressive to myself. I just needed to make a small post on this. Today I went to visit my grandpa in the hospital, he had a heart episode, but thankfully they figured it out and are putting a defibrillator/pacemaker in tomorrow. Well, while I was there I ran into two of my aunts and their families. I had already talked with one of my cousins about doing her senior pictures for next year, and so my aunt just came out and asked me if I would be interested in doing a friend of her's wedding photos! I am absolutely terrified to say yes, I haven't even started doing any kind of events...although I will be doing my first fundraiser event in less than two weeks. So I asked a friend of the family if he had any advice for me, and he said you just need to jump in and do it! He told me that he remembers being terrified the first time he did a wedding, and that as he kept doing more, he kept getting better. So that helped me a little. He also offered to get together with me to look through some of the things he has done to give me some ideas. I'm really starting to consider this as a career path. I know I wouldn't want to do events forever, but I would love to do something in the field whether it was portrait, or landscape photography. I'm going to seriously look into the Art Studio program at UWM now.
Alright, that is all the excitement for today...I'll definitely be back to post soon!
Alright, that is all the excitement for today...I'll definitely be back to post soon!
Up at 6am with nothing to do...
So I've been tossing and turning in my bed for about an hour, and I can't seem to get back to sleep...so here I am to put some "thoughts to paper". First off, I'm getting a little stir crazy here, I haven't taken a trip in almost a year! Between last year and the year before, I had the opportunity to travel quite a bit. I went to Arizona, South Carolina, North Carolina, Upper Michigan, Lower Michigan, South Dakota, California, and of course all over Wisconsin and Minnesota for all of the weddings that went on last summer. It's weird that it has been almost a year since I've done any new traveling. I'm getting a little antsy. So with that being said, I might be going to Texas to visit a friend for her spring break! I really hope it can happen...prices are a little high, so we'll see if it's possible!
Secondly, I'm in desperate need for a new job. I've put my application in for four different positions, and I will be adding another one tomorrow. I just need a new environment. I've already applied at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for three different clerical positions. I also applied at FedEx (GASP! both my brothers work for UPS). Tomorrow I hope to apply for an assistant manager position at a new ALDI's being built near my house. If I could get that, that would be awesome. I'd almost double my pay now, and be working full time.
Also, I know I've mentioned before that I want to try to branch into doing some photography work, well I'm going to try to find a job somewhere related to it...and if I can't do that I'm going to start networking with my family and friends to see if anyone wants to have me take some decent pics instead of going to a studio first. I know quite a bit of people who are pregnant now, so maybe they'll want to do some maternity pictures with me. We shall see how that goes! If anything develops there, I'll update my blog then.
Other than that, I guess there really isn't anything new. I'm just working a lot and trying to figure it all out. Hopefully I'll have something to share soon!
Secondly, I'm in desperate need for a new job. I've put my application in for four different positions, and I will be adding another one tomorrow. I just need a new environment. I've already applied at Children's Hospital of Wisconsin for three different clerical positions. I also applied at FedEx (GASP! both my brothers work for UPS). Tomorrow I hope to apply for an assistant manager position at a new ALDI's being built near my house. If I could get that, that would be awesome. I'd almost double my pay now, and be working full time.
Also, I know I've mentioned before that I want to try to branch into doing some photography work, well I'm going to try to find a job somewhere related to it...and if I can't do that I'm going to start networking with my family and friends to see if anyone wants to have me take some decent pics instead of going to a studio first. I know quite a bit of people who are pregnant now, so maybe they'll want to do some maternity pictures with me. We shall see how that goes! If anything develops there, I'll update my blog then.
Other than that, I guess there really isn't anything new. I'm just working a lot and trying to figure it all out. Hopefully I'll have something to share soon!
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
When It All Starts to Click...
So as I have hinted at in previous posts, I've decided to really dedicate this year to my own self-improvement. I have started to just barely exist in my own life, and that is no way to live. In order for me to become more active in my life I really needed to take a hard look at what was going on inside. I was kinda afraid of what I would find, but I'm really glad I did it.
First off, I have a real big self esteem problem. I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right, I was always criticized or yelled at by my father. I was never able to really express myself very well, and when I did I was always shut down. I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't be interested in certain things because they wouldn't take me anywhere in life. So I let some of the things I felt most passionate about fade until I couldn't feel it anymore. I've let some dreams die way too early because of this insecurity. I always have a little voice inside me telling me "you'll never make it doing that" or "there's no way you could ever handle that kind of life". I have his criticism permanently in my mind telling me I'll never be good enough. I think that if I can learn to block that voice out...anything could be possible! But what if I can't? I would have a sad excuse for a life if I never learn that.
Secondly, I am still grieving. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and it is always a different experience for each individual on their own. On March 6, it will be 6 years since my mom died. There really is no words for me to describe what it felt like to loose her. She was my biggest cheerleader, and honestly, the only cheerleader that really mattered in my life. I love my brothers and how they encourage me to do what I want, and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents encourage me. Even with all of them together, their approval and encouragement isn't even half of what my mom's meant. To not have that constant encouragement every day is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, no potential and no promise. I would have turned to her with these situations and talked it out and listened to what she had to think about it all. Sometimes we would stay up for hours talking at night. I think the void seems so big because I hadn't really noticed how much negative she counteracted from my dad when she was alive. And now it seems like all there is is negative. This goes back to my first point...with all of her positive reinforcement gone, all I have is his criticism. I wish I could pick out specific memories from our talks to remind myself and encourage myself with her words, but I can't. I just remember that we had them.
The third thing is something I've only realized yesterday. Even though I can't always see it or understand it, I am talented at photography. I'm only a beginner still and have lots to learn, but I really do take some great photos. I've taken three classes, and I loved every bit of them. I didn't really retain a lot of the technical information, but I know the general rules. I know if I just looked back at my notes, or read a beginner's book I'd understand it again. I've decided that I need to put a portfolio together and start doing some beginner jobs. I know one of my cousins had mentioned last year that she wanted me to take her senior pictures, and I offered to photograph a friend with his family if they ever want some good pictures without paying professional rates. One of the thoughts that hit me hard with this realization, is that my mom would never know my talents. She knew me, and loved me, and maybe she saw them before I even knew about them...but she will never get to see them developed.
About a month ago, I submitted three of my pictures that I had edited to a poster competition for the NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign. I had kind of forgotten about it, and wasn't expecting the email that I received yesterday saying that my design won in my category! I was really shocked. I don't know how many submissions there were, so I'm not sure what the odds were for me winning. It was a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in years. Almost like I've forgotten the reward of that feeling, and how much it boosts self esteem. One of my coworkers told me she knew I would do something awesome with my talent, and that's when I realized that I should really start to consider this as a career path. I know the photography profession has changed drastically since digital was introduced, but I am seriously considering photojournalism or something along those lines as a major. I am also going to look into graphic design as an option. I loved doing the editing on my images. It didn't even feel like I was doing work, it was more like I was performing an experiment on them. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just doing it. Here is my image that won...it's kind of a self portrait I guess.
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First off, I have a real big self esteem problem. I grew up in a house where nothing I did was right, I was always criticized or yelled at by my father. I was never able to really express myself very well, and when I did I was always shut down. I was repeatedly told that I shouldn't be interested in certain things because they wouldn't take me anywhere in life. So I let some of the things I felt most passionate about fade until I couldn't feel it anymore. I've let some dreams die way too early because of this insecurity. I always have a little voice inside me telling me "you'll never make it doing that" or "there's no way you could ever handle that kind of life". I have his criticism permanently in my mind telling me I'll never be good enough. I think that if I can learn to block that voice out...anything could be possible! But what if I can't? I would have a sad excuse for a life if I never learn that.
Secondly, I am still grieving. I know that everyone grieves at their own pace, and it is always a different experience for each individual on their own. On March 6, it will be 6 years since my mom died. There really is no words for me to describe what it felt like to loose her. She was my biggest cheerleader, and honestly, the only cheerleader that really mattered in my life. I love my brothers and how they encourage me to do what I want, and even my aunts and uncles and grandparents encourage me. Even with all of them together, their approval and encouragement isn't even half of what my mom's meant. To not have that constant encouragement every day is the worst feeling in the world. Sometimes I feel like I have nothing, no potential and no promise. I would have turned to her with these situations and talked it out and listened to what she had to think about it all. Sometimes we would stay up for hours talking at night. I think the void seems so big because I hadn't really noticed how much negative she counteracted from my dad when she was alive. And now it seems like all there is is negative. This goes back to my first point...with all of her positive reinforcement gone, all I have is his criticism. I wish I could pick out specific memories from our talks to remind myself and encourage myself with her words, but I can't. I just remember that we had them.
The third thing is something I've only realized yesterday. Even though I can't always see it or understand it, I am talented at photography. I'm only a beginner still and have lots to learn, but I really do take some great photos. I've taken three classes, and I loved every bit of them. I didn't really retain a lot of the technical information, but I know the general rules. I know if I just looked back at my notes, or read a beginner's book I'd understand it again. I've decided that I need to put a portfolio together and start doing some beginner jobs. I know one of my cousins had mentioned last year that she wanted me to take her senior pictures, and I offered to photograph a friend with his family if they ever want some good pictures without paying professional rates. One of the thoughts that hit me hard with this realization, is that my mom would never know my talents. She knew me, and loved me, and maybe she saw them before I even knew about them...but she will never get to see them developed.
About a month ago, I submitted three of my pictures that I had edited to a poster competition for the NOW Foundation's Love Your Body Campaign. I had kind of forgotten about it, and wasn't expecting the email that I received yesterday saying that my design won in my category! I was really shocked. I don't know how many submissions there were, so I'm not sure what the odds were for me winning. It was a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in years. Almost like I've forgotten the reward of that feeling, and how much it boosts self esteem. One of my coworkers told me she knew I would do something awesome with my talent, and that's when I realized that I should really start to consider this as a career path. I know the photography profession has changed drastically since digital was introduced, but I am seriously considering photojournalism or something along those lines as a major. I am also going to look into graphic design as an option. I loved doing the editing on my images. It didn't even feel like I was doing work, it was more like I was performing an experiment on them. I didn't know what I was doing, I was just doing it. Here is my image that won...it's kind of a self portrait I guess.
.jpg)
So far this year, I've made some really smart decisions. The best thing I could have ever done for myself was taking this semester off. I've never felt more sure of a decision. It has opened up this opportunity for me to look within and really figure out who I am. Once I know that, I'm sure life won't seem so scary to me anymore.
Sorry for the long post, just had a lot to get out tonight!
Erin
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Resolution Updates...
Okay, so clearly my goal for posting at least once a week failed. But I think less than a month is pretty good for my track record. I'm still unhappily working at Walgreen's right now, and today was almost the day I walked out. Today was a terrible day. I just don't understand why people think that it is okay to just step all over someone and treat them like garbage. I know that I'm the bottom of the chain in this company, I understand that no one in the company is indispensable. But I know that in my store, I do so much more then is even recognized. I know I have my days when I don't do much, but usually that is not the case. That is only one of the reasons today sucked. On to tomorrow, at least I have an early shift so I can actually accomplish something else in my day. My plan for tomorrow is to start my search for a new job. Wish me luck on that!
I'm hoping to get started on my other resolutions coming up in this next month. I have already started going through my things to start thinning it all out. I went through my clothes and have compiled three full bags of clothing and one bag of purses and shoes to sell. So I'd say I did pretty good. I still have way too much clothes, but I'll have to do another run through it in March or April. I have to finish going through my room hopefully in the next two weeks. I want to try to sell a bunch of my books and movies on Amazon or maybe I can donate them to a library if that doesn't work. I should really try to get rid of a bunch of my cd's too. I need to go through all of my boxes from college, I saved practically everything when I was in MN. I have all of my binders and notebooks still. I might keep a couple, but I should really just recycle the rest. My aunt is planning to have a rummage sale in May sometime, so I'm hoping she'll let me put most of my stuff in. She has in the past, the only concern I'd have is that I'll have a lot more this time around than I usually do. Anything that doesn't sell I'm either donating or throwing away.
So today was pretty crappy, but it ended well. I got home and ate dinner, then I went for a walk with my roommate Laurel. Which not so surprisingly lifted my spirits quite a bit. I think it was just the fact that I got outside and got to enjoy some exercise and fresh air. It was nice, then we came back and ended it all with some Big Bang Theory...a pretty good finish to a crappy day. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoother at work, and I get some leads or at least apply for a new job. That will be my goal for tomorrow... put at least one application in somewhere. I'll keep you posted on it all!
Erin
I'm hoping to get started on my other resolutions coming up in this next month. I have already started going through my things to start thinning it all out. I went through my clothes and have compiled three full bags of clothing and one bag of purses and shoes to sell. So I'd say I did pretty good. I still have way too much clothes, but I'll have to do another run through it in March or April. I have to finish going through my room hopefully in the next two weeks. I want to try to sell a bunch of my books and movies on Amazon or maybe I can donate them to a library if that doesn't work. I should really try to get rid of a bunch of my cd's too. I need to go through all of my boxes from college, I saved practically everything when I was in MN. I have all of my binders and notebooks still. I might keep a couple, but I should really just recycle the rest. My aunt is planning to have a rummage sale in May sometime, so I'm hoping she'll let me put most of my stuff in. She has in the past, the only concern I'd have is that I'll have a lot more this time around than I usually do. Anything that doesn't sell I'm either donating or throwing away.
So today was pretty crappy, but it ended well. I got home and ate dinner, then I went for a walk with my roommate Laurel. Which not so surprisingly lifted my spirits quite a bit. I think it was just the fact that I got outside and got to enjoy some exercise and fresh air. It was nice, then we came back and ended it all with some Big Bang Theory...a pretty good finish to a crappy day. Hopefully tomorrow will go smoother at work, and I get some leads or at least apply for a new job. That will be my goal for tomorrow... put at least one application in somewhere. I'll keep you posted on it all!
Erin
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year, New Me
So I know that it is kind of a cliche to set New Year's resolutions, but I've never actually been serious about setting one until now. I am very unhappy with my life right now, so I've decided to do something about it. Instead of focusing my energy on school like I have for the last three and a half years (five and a half if I'm being truly honest), I will be focusing on myself. I need to start taking control of my own life and destination. I do believe that there is a rhyme and reason to everything, and that God already knows where my life will lead and all of that. But I just need to start doing what I want without taking everyone else's opinions into consideration. Don't get me wrong, I love advice when I ask for it...but when I just state an idea and then someone shoots it down with reason or excuses, I usually do what they say. And I don't want to do that anymore.
Here's how I see it. I am 23 years old, still two years away from graduating no matter what path I go down, and burnt out. It's almost sad to say that. I feel so old and burdened by life...at 23?! There is something seriously wrong with that. I understand that to have a job that can support me in life I will need to finish school and get a degree. Don't get me wrong, I know that. I'm not completely idiotic. But why do I need to finish it now? I have no commitments right now...no boyfriend, no children, no real need for a real job. I have every opportunity at my fingertips! In fact, I have been considering applying for an Americorps program and getting out of WI for a while. Moving to a new state and experiencing a new type of life would be beneficial to me. I really believe that. And this would be the year to do it! I have been looking into two areas: Seattle, Washington and Dallas, Texas. These are two completely different areas from the midwest. I just want to experience a bit of independence. I know for a fact that I can not spend the next year working full time at Walgreens. I just can't take that job anymore. I need a change.
Also, I did really good with my diet at the beginning of last year, and then I stopped because I no longer had the motivation to keep it up. Well this year I want to do better. I want to start up my diet again AND maintain it/see it through to the end of my weight loss goal. In addition to that, I want to either join a gym or find a work out dvd that can help me. I know a couple of people who have done the Insanity program and found it successful...and I know a couple of people who swear by the P90X program. I just want to find one that I can do and feel confident in doing. I know that if I want to see results in anything in life, I need to work hard and set goals and have my own expectations out of life.
Another thing I want to sit down and figure out....What do I expect from my life right now? I mentioned earlier that I wanted to have more independence. This is very important to me, because I know what to do, I just feel extremely limited to how I can do it. I need to sit down and figure out what my expectations are. When I do, I promise I will write a post about them.
One last resolution, I want to keep up with posts here. Whether it is once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I keep writing. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions, and I don't always let them out....I have found that this is an excellent way of getting them out and in the open. And if I decide to act on them, then great. If not, then at least I got them out of my system, and can remember what I felt when I was feeling them.
Today's K-LOVE encouraging word of the day is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." This is kind of the perfect passage to describe what I am feeling right now. I need to relearn to put my life in God's hands. I do believe my decision for this year is a good one that God has led me to make it. May God bless everyone as they start off this new year!
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let's make 2012 great!
Erin
Here's how I see it. I am 23 years old, still two years away from graduating no matter what path I go down, and burnt out. It's almost sad to say that. I feel so old and burdened by life...at 23?! There is something seriously wrong with that. I understand that to have a job that can support me in life I will need to finish school and get a degree. Don't get me wrong, I know that. I'm not completely idiotic. But why do I need to finish it now? I have no commitments right now...no boyfriend, no children, no real need for a real job. I have every opportunity at my fingertips! In fact, I have been considering applying for an Americorps program and getting out of WI for a while. Moving to a new state and experiencing a new type of life would be beneficial to me. I really believe that. And this would be the year to do it! I have been looking into two areas: Seattle, Washington and Dallas, Texas. These are two completely different areas from the midwest. I just want to experience a bit of independence. I know for a fact that I can not spend the next year working full time at Walgreens. I just can't take that job anymore. I need a change.
Also, I did really good with my diet at the beginning of last year, and then I stopped because I no longer had the motivation to keep it up. Well this year I want to do better. I want to start up my diet again AND maintain it/see it through to the end of my weight loss goal. In addition to that, I want to either join a gym or find a work out dvd that can help me. I know a couple of people who have done the Insanity program and found it successful...and I know a couple of people who swear by the P90X program. I just want to find one that I can do and feel confident in doing. I know that if I want to see results in anything in life, I need to work hard and set goals and have my own expectations out of life.
Another thing I want to sit down and figure out....What do I expect from my life right now? I mentioned earlier that I wanted to have more independence. This is very important to me, because I know what to do, I just feel extremely limited to how I can do it. I need to sit down and figure out what my expectations are. When I do, I promise I will write a post about them.
One last resolution, I want to keep up with posts here. Whether it is once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I keep writing. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions, and I don't always let them out....I have found that this is an excellent way of getting them out and in the open. And if I decide to act on them, then great. If not, then at least I got them out of my system, and can remember what I felt when I was feeling them.
Today's K-LOVE encouraging word of the day is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding." This is kind of the perfect passage to describe what I am feeling right now. I need to relearn to put my life in God's hands. I do believe my decision for this year is a good one that God has led me to make it. May God bless everyone as they start off this new year!
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! Let's make 2012 great!
Erin
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Here I am again...
Well, I know in earlier posts I warned you that I just can't keep up with things like this very well...so I apologize again for the two month silence. I just have had a lot going on with me lately. I found out that I was no longer eligible for financial aid this semester, so I need to find a way to pay off my classes before I can move forward with school. So I tried applying for a student loan through Chase, and guess what? Yep, I was denied the loan. So I either have to ask my dad to cosign with me (which he said he needs to think about) or I can't pay it off before next semester. Also, I received an e-mail from my advisor strongly advising me to pick a new major outside of the sciences because it seems like I struggle the most with the core classes required in that field. Well, I've only ever truly wanted to do one thing, and that was Marine Biology. I tried the teaching route, and I don't really think I have the patience for that. With that being said, what am I supposed to do? I've always tested better in the science and math areas, so why can't I get through the classes? I have a couple of ideas, but I'm really not sure what I should do. I was thinking of transferring to MATC or WCTC and just getting my associates degree in either the Lab Tech or Surgical Tech areas. All of the prereqs would be done, so all I would need is the program classes which wouldn't take too long to complete. A couple of people I know have told me I should go to culinary school, because I love to cook. But would I love to cook as a career? I honestly don't know. So I was thinking of just completing the associate degree first to get a better foothold on independence away from my dad, and then I can always go back and finish my bachelor's when I better know what I want to do. I'm not sure if this is a good plan or not, and I'll probably go talk with the career center advisor at UWM sometime. And since it seems like I'm pretty much going to be forced to take this next semester off, I'll have some time to figure it out I guess.
I need to figure it out fast, because I really need a new job. Let me just say, I do not have the patience to deal with retail much longer! People are just becoming more and more rude lately, and I definitely do not get paid enough to get yelled at by customers about something we have no control over at the store. I know it will get much worse within the next few weeks too, because of the holidays. But until I have a better opportunity, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!
Basically, I have some pretty big decisions to make within the next month, so I'll keep you posted on what I decide!
Erin
I need to figure it out fast, because I really need a new job. Let me just say, I do not have the patience to deal with retail much longer! People are just becoming more and more rude lately, and I definitely do not get paid enough to get yelled at by customers about something we have no control over at the store. I know it will get much worse within the next few weeks too, because of the holidays. But until I have a better opportunity, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it!
Basically, I have some pretty big decisions to make within the next month, so I'll keep you posted on what I decide!
Erin
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